Sunday, October 9, 2011

Deciding Which Road to Take

Have you ever been disappointed?  I mean truly, unequivocally, disappointed? When this happens is it the result of another person?  Or perhaps it was due to some preconceived notion or plan you had developed that didn't pan out the way you thought it would?  Sure you have.  In fact, I knew the answer to this even before I made the words come together on this page.  You know what I don't know though, is how you get through it.  That is the million dollar question today.  It isn't so much that I am looking to write a book and I am seeking ways to fill it, but that I wonder if there are others who suffer from the wrong way to process the disappointment.

You see, when disappointed the first thing I want to do, yes even as a thirty-something I still do this, is throw a temper tantrum.  For some reason, the inner toddler in me wants to come out and be heard.  After all, there is something that is not right in my environment and I do not know how to process the feelings that I have.  This tantrum occurs, despite the disappointment, because it isn't specific to one thing.  However, what I do know, and am learning to control, is that it is no more acceptable for me than it is for my toddler.

I wonder if it isn't my fears that drive the tantrum throwing?  Perhaps when faced with the disappointment of a broken engagement (not the marital sort, the appointment sort) it is the fear of abandonment that drives it.  Or when someone breaks a promise, it is the fear that I failed to deliver something I should have known to deliver.  Or when another doesn't live up to my preconceived notions, then, gasp, it is my fear of not being the person they need me to be.  Yes, I know putting it all down on paper, per se, does make it seem all very...sad, but it is what it is. 

Therefore, in light of the fact this very thing has happened today, in fact, just in the past hour, I am going to take a moment to decide which road to take.  I have taken the destructive one far too many times so I am going to take a moment of inner reflection and upward projection and take a road much less traveled, at least by me, and accept that these things happen and for it I can do nothing, save for to change my take on it.

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