Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste

Or at least that is what I hear.  Today has been a cacophony of thoughts rattling around in my head.  Actually it all started last Friday.  Well, that too, may be a misinterpretation of the time tables. You see, last Friday I had the opportunity to be a part of a very important phone call; one in which, my professional career was all but laid open for all to see.  Again, that too, is a stretch, there were only four on the line and I was one of them.  However, the point I am making is that, in that time, I was presented the opportunity to take a new found passion, combine it with one that I discovered years ago, and make money doing it, all at once.  Now that said, no, I didn't get a new job, yes and no.  I'm still with the same company, just that the roles that I will hold will be flexible in predetermined intervals.  For this I am wicked excited and beyond words to explain.

Then...there was this week.  It is amazing how a follow-up conversation can burst  your bubble.  Now don't get me wrong, the opportunity still exists, but this conversation was a matter of and my boss.  The topic...appropriate and just compensation against the correct "bucket" if you will.  There, now my world gets turned upside down.  Is this what I want?  Do I truly know what I want?  Is this the will that God has for my life?  After all, I don't believe in coincidence, I believe in God, and far too much has occurred in rapid succession for doubt to be an objective participant in the game.  Where am I?  Where will I be?  A house divided cannot stand, the same is true for a brain. 

With that I am an emotional basket case.  I am petrified of my every move, I have no direct understanding and yet I continue down a defined path, one that I helped give structure to, only to find that there has been a detour along the way.  Have I enjoyed the journey?  Oh yes, in more ways than I will ever be able to explain.  Do I think I am going to be upwardly mobile?  I guess the only true answer to that is I hope that it is so, but in the interim, I am firmly planted in the here and now.  For as you are told when small, don't be fooled, for your eyes are always bigger than your plate.

I long for concrete answers and guidelines.  I am a black and white person in everything but my mind.  This place has an immense shade of grey.  Perhaps that is what comes from the melding of too many ideas, the yearning for a greener pasture prior to a drought, or is it a monsoon?  Regardless, the efforts need to be where they are in the moment and desire lead in all applicable matters of the position held.

Man it feels good to type it out...

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