Wednesday, February 15, 2017

To Be or Not To Be

No, this isn't going to be a literary assessment on Hamlet or anything by Shakespear for that matter, but what this post will be is a break from the "challenge". I shared in the last post about what pride can and does do for me (I was going to put us, but there is no need to bring everyone into this...) and how it isn't such a cool thing.  I have an, unfortunately, innate ability to think of things I want to talk about and write about when I am in no position whatsoever to do either.  For instance, yesterday as I was in the shower I visioned myself in front of a room of women sharing a portion of my testimony.  Sadly, this isn't the first time I've done this, but each time it is concerning a different portion of my testimony and the things I have learned along the way.  Then again as I was driving down the road I began thinking of things I wanted to write about - either in this blog or in a book.  Wouldn't you know it, before I could get to a time and place where I could write some of these profound (in my mind) bits of wisdom down, the day had come and gone.   Now, this morning, I am left with crickets in the place of words.

You may be wondering what all of that has to do with being.  Or maybe not since you have read my blog long enough to know I often feel the need to give a back story before I actually GET to a point!  HA! During my time reading this morning I read not once, but twice where the Lord was telling the people not to worry, not to fear.  By the way, I'm in Mark and I really like the way it is written.  It is straight up, to the point, and well, undeniably the perfect word of God.  What does all of THAT have to do with being?  Oh, so much more than I wish it did.

Have you ever, just once (because to admit more than that would mean there could possibly be an issue), said something because of another person?  How about done something because of another?  Or bought something because of them?  This other person doesn't even have to have a face, it could be the proverbial one, the one who you are trying to out do, one up, be better than, strive to become, be noticed by, gain the admiration of, etc.  I hate to admit this about myself, but I have.  I realized something just last week that hasn't set well with me since.  I found that when I meet someone new, one of the first things I do is share something about my life - be it about my Littles, my Mr., or my background - that will give me (in my mind's eye) an edge or an advantage.  By this, I don't me to be better, but to have a reason to be someone.  To be worthy of being liked by them, to be of some sort of value because of what I have in my life because I am "certain" that me, by myself, is not good enough.

Newsflash to myself - none of that matters!  Not a lick of it. I sat at my desk the remainder of that day last week wondering why this need is so great in me.  Wondering why I am so bent on wanting to be somebody or something.  I could give a litany of reasons why I could blame factors from my youth, but the truth of it is, I own them, they do not own me.  My response to those things should not be that of a victim, but of a woman who uses them for the betterment of who she is.  Which brings me to the ultimate reason for any of it.  I don't know who I am in reference to whose I am.

What I know, knowledge wise has yet to meet what I know heart wise.  I have read and studied and learned so much about the Word of God, but I have not fully embraced or applied it.  Sure, I've picked up the bits that made sense, but not all of them which required me to give over the victimhood of who I am.  It is almost as if holding onto those factors allows me to be the person I want to be in front of others instead of the person God designed me to be.  And because it is just plain fact, this too is all rooted in pride.

So the question remains, to be or not to be, but the answer is so much easier when you have a firmer grasp of the who.

I apologize for any grammar errors...I wrote this before work and I am now officially running late!

-M

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