Day 17: Change

I got today's prompt from Pinterest - surprise, surprise!  Funny thing about it, though, I actually thought of what I wanted to write about last night while I was trying to fall asleep.  Despite this, I told myself I was going to pick a random prompt and go with that instead.  Well, haha, looks like the topic I thought of last night sort of chose me today instead! The prompt I found was to talk about something you want to change about yourself.  Now, I will be the first to tell you there are many things, and while I could go on and on about all of them, there is one specific thing that has come to light repeatedly during the past 24 hours.

 Have you ever seen a two-year-old thrown a full-blown temper tantrum?  I don't mean one of those little arms crossed, pouty lip, crocodile tear stances.  No, I mean the lying on the floor, screaming their head off, kicking their little legs while crying with all of their might, temper tantrums which were more than likely caused by something as simple as them wanting apple juice instead of milk. Anyway, you get it.  (If not, go to youtube and type in temper tantrum...enjoy!)  I'm sure you are probably wondering what this has to do with the topic?  No?  Well, I can assure you at almost 40 I am not in the habit of lying on the ground while kicking and screaming over my juice cup.  However, I am quite capable of doing this in a more subtle way.

Like most toddlers, the cause of such tantrums is due to not getting your way. (I'm sure there is a political jab that could be entered here, but I'm going to let that go...) I'm pretty good at shrugging my shoulders and letting things slide on most occasions.  However, there is one thing that gets me fired-up every...single...time.  What is that, you ask?  Simply, waiting on the Lord.  Now, I've made it well known to just about every single person who will listen to me that my passion in life is teaching.  In fact, I may have written about it a large number of times over the years on this blog.  I have known, for quite some time, that in order to teach I have to meet a certain educational criterion.  I have done this.  I also know I need to have an age group and possibly a subject or two I want to teach.  Again, I have done this.  For brevity's sake, I'll not list everything, but I have attempted over the years to try and "teach" something.  I have not gotten to do this.

So, what does this have to do with temper tantrums?   Weeeellllll....let's just say I've held NOTHING back in sharing with the Lord how I feel about this.  In addition to this, I may have also shared the same amount, or something akin to it, with my Mr.  (Oh, he's a strong one - whose favorite phrase de jour is "stop it!"...Right?!)  Anyway, after a particularly ugly meltdown last night (read that - pout fest) I flitted through Pinterest and found a quote - uh huh - which I promptly shared with the Mr., who promptly told me I need to trust in the Lord and His timing.  Do you ever get sick of hearing that?  I do.  But wait, there's more. There's always more. This morning as I was spending time reading my Bible (I'm in Matthew) I was repeatedly reminded - with those brilliant red letters - of what lack of faith can do.  Oh, no, we are just getting started because here is where the insult is added to injury.  Later on in the day, when I got an opportunity to read my devotional, wouldn't you know it, BAM - in your face conviction.  Sometimes I just can't catch a break.

Today's devotional talked about what kind of prayers we need to be praying to the Lord.  Not just those simple, search my heart so I can know what needs to be given (yes I know those are not easy prayers - that was sarcasm) over to the Lord, but those prayers where you legitimately ask the Lord to fix the hard things. *GULP* People, I'm gonna be straight with you, the root of all temper tantrums, if you really look at them objectively, is Pride.  Yes, Pride!  (And I'm not talking about a group of lions here.) What is Pride?  It is thinking you know, or are better than, the one in authority. 

The pin I sent the Mr.

How does this all fit together?  Simply this.  If God has created a passion in me, given me a heartfelt desire, then I need to wait on Him to open the best doors for me.  I need to REST in Him.  I need to TRUST in Him. While I may not fully understand the why (it isn't my place to anyhow) I do need to fully understand He won't do me wrong.  He just won't.  It isn't in His nature.  Not a single bit. And why do I not do this?  Becuase, like a toddler, there is that part of me who thinks I know better. I think if I just keep going at it, or after it at a hundred miles per hour, then I will get what I want.  But the problem with that is by my doing this, what I am essentially doing in putting myself above Him...a place I was never meant to have. And until I stop struggling with Him for that place of supreme authority I will never be able to have the rest I need nor will He ever have all of me which He so very well deserves.

I want to tell you today was one of those days where I discovered a truth and will not falter ever again concerning it, but I'm human and therefore prone to misplacing myself in the midst of my circumstances.  But I can tell you this, I learned something new - I didn't know the way I was behaving was rooted in pride and that alone rocked me to the core.  For nothing more than the fact that I don't want to be that person.  (And a whole lot of the fact I really want to do what the Lord designed me to do and I want to do it the best way possible - which totally means I need to wait on Him to make it so!)


Food for thought.
- M