Wednesday, September 4, 2013

A Guarded Heart

I've gone back over a few things that I wrote for myself, those letters during the early months of the ex-Mr's journey elsewhere.  I marvel at the clarity I had during such a tumultuous period of my life.  Seriously, I sounded put together.  I sounded like a woman that really did know what she needed, or rather, where she needed to go.  I looked up and in for those answers.  I sought.  Continuously.  For strength and guidance.  I followed a pattern in those days, the ones between February and a couple weeks ago.  A clear pattern.  Actually, it became all the more earnest until June.  I broke in June. 

I  used to pray people.  Daily.  I scrawled notes in the margins of my Bible, I penned letter after letter, I journaled extensively, all with the same theme - Father, guard my heart.  I knew.  I had been told.  I felt it.  Mostly, I knew especially when I stopped the waterfall of tears and thought would come back. A broken heart is a weak heart and a weak heart must be guarded.  Those were my words, my pleas really, day after day, "Lord, guard my heart.  Lead me.  Protect my heart." 

Tonight at Bible study, during discussion, one of the people there said something that I'd heard a multitude of times before, (and frankly it reminds me of a country song - but almost anything that is said I can relate to a song - I digress) If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything.  And that is it.  I didn't stand for what I believed in.  I stopped asking God to do what I knew He alone had to do.  I stopped asking Him to control my weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9) I stopped asking Him to guard my heart and to lead me.  

People, I HATE lessons learned.  I hate the PAIN, the AGONY, the HURT, that lessons like these cause.  I know the best ones will leave scars.  The right ones are those you will never repeat.  The lessons you grow from are the ones you teach from.  I want to let you know that, yes, although I allowed myself to go it my way, I still loved, cared for, and miss epically this person, but...yes, there is always a this case it is the pain, agony, and hurt created.  No, not regrets.  Timing.  (We've already talked about this in an earlier post, I won't revisit it here.) 

I want to challenge you, those in the same place I am, or perhaps not even that, all of you actually.  Guard  your heart.  GUARD IT!  If you can't, then pray for it.  When you long for love, you can be misguided. This is for single and married people alike.  Those who are newly divorced, separated, split up, broken up, or even never been in a relationship before.  Guard your heart.  Protect it.  Now, I'm not saying become a frigid ice queen/king, but stand for something.  KNOW what you stand for.  Your core truths should tell you what this is, if you find yourself unable, then pray.  Because God is certainly able.  Your heart is not something to play around with.  No matter how much  you think  you are ok with it, you aren't.  You will lose a piece of yourself - AGAIN!  You will find more hurt, and not necessarily from more brokenness, but perhaps from realizing the timing was wrong.

In this quest to find me.  The person that perhaps maybe my bestie did have it right and I do know my core beliefs, I already know what to stand for, what I DO stand for.  I also realize that what my head knows and what my heart leads me to can vary.  Not necessarily in a good way.  I know that I need to constantly seek after a guarded heart, because I am weak in this area.  I allow myself to become someone I'm not.  And, IF I give it just the right amount of attention, I can clearly see that true healing will occur once my heart is no longer trumping my mind. 


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