Thursday, September 5, 2013

Angry Enough to Fight

Have you ever been angry enough to fight?  Of course you have.   You are human.  Don't deny it.  It's alright.  There is no one here that will judge you.  I'm sure you are curious about why this topic, why now?  I mean I never got angry enough to fight in the whole past year.  That's just it.  I was.  I just didn't act it out in the way most people thought I should.  I didn't allow the hurt to produce the ugly side affects that anger can cause.  But now, now I want to share what I am angry about.  What I think all women should be angry about.  Truthfully, what all people should be angry about - the degradation of marriage.

I will never deny the role I held in the breakdown of my marriage.  Sure, I wanted more than he could give. I wanted him to be someone he simply wasn't.  I wanted him to become a man that God had not created him to be.  It's ok.  I admit that.  I really do wish him happiness in his future relationships and I pray that some day he meets a woman that he can be himself with and they are both happy with the each other they are.  (Disclaimer:  that does not mean that God's work couldn't have made us a couple who, no matter what, stayed together and through that grew into something magnificent.  God can do miraculous things if we let him, but it certainly takes two people willing.)

My point to all of this is, now, 10 months later I'm angry.  No, not at him for his choices.  Honestly, not at me for mine.  What I am angry about is how easy it is to let a marriage go.  How easy it is to let a marriage disintegrate and fall apart.  How easy it is, when  you are not even paying attention, to let someone else in.  I'm angry at how easy "falling out of love" has become.  I'm angry that marriages can't stand the test of feelinglessness (yes I just made that word up).  I'm angry at the way society accepts broken marriages as a rule instead of the exception.  I'm angry at how some people go into marriage with an ace in their pocket - knowing they can make a play to end the game whenever it isn't going their way.  That right there is why I am angry.  I'm angry enough to cry. 

And I have.  A lot.  More than I care to admit.  People I HURT for others in this situation.  I have friends that are starting this journey, in the middle of this journey, nearing the end of this journey, completely through it, and yes, some who have been blessed to not know anything about the pain this journey creates.  Divorce hurts.  It will tear you to shreds.  Don't deny it.  There is a sense of euphoria in the beginning...the moving on newness and its feelings (especially when there is someone there to help bridge the gaps), but it will still rip at the very fabric of your soul. 

I've cried for friends that think this is what they want.  That think this is the best way out of a "crappy" marriage or situation.  It isn't.  I know.  I was there - in 2005.  I wanted out.  I did what I thought I needed to do to find that peace.  It didn't work because when it came down to it, I really did love him and our marriage.  We struggled, we rebuilt, we grew, we became a good couple - you know the kind that have a lot of problems, but also the desire to work them out together.  Yeah, I can say that it took a lot on his part and mine.  But we committed to it, for the kids.  Then in 2012, well, you've all read about it.  You can't run from these things.  I can almost hear the naysayers.  It's ok, you can have your opinion.  I will never take it from you.  Just be polite enough to allow me to have mine.

To the woman out there that is fighting for her marriage, that is fighting against things she shouldn't have to, know that I KNOW  your pain.  Keep up the fight. Do not stop.  Give it what you have, BUT also work at it together...don't cast blame.  There are two sides.  Build it back together, brick by brick.  Fight it with kindness, softness, and a strong spirit.  Fight it with compassion and selflessness.  Fight it with love and perseverance.  Do NOT fight it with malicious words, fists, hatred, and vengeful actions.  Fight it with a heart of forgiveness.  You'll be so much more proud of yourself in the end.  Mostly, I want  you to fight it with God on your side.  He will be there when you seek Him.  He will be your "Mickey." (For those who don't know that is a Rocky reference.  LOVE those movies!)

On that note, my desire is to fight too.  To fight alongside you all.  I want you to know I will pray for you.  You people I don't know and you who I do.  I will pray that you fight the good fight.  But mostly I am going to pray the God can heal broken hearts, hurting hearts, confused hearts.  That he can bring marriage back to what it should be.  That he will strengthen those who need strengthened. 

Marriage should be something we are all angry enough to fight for. 

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