Have you ever found yourself at that place where the holding on and the letting go are at war with one another? Truth, it's a terrible place to be. No, seriously, it is. I've been there a couple of times this past year. I'd like to tell you that I've mastered this, that I'm the best EVER at taking things as they come and NOT having any thought/emotion/feeling/care about them. But I can't. I never will, it's part of who I am. Honestly, I think it is part of who we all are, even if it is just a bit.
You see, I'm the kind of person that gives her all. When you are my friend I'll BE your friend. I'll stick up for you, comfort you, provide for you, be there for you in the best way I can, I'll just be. On the same note, I appreciate this consideration in return. I also do this in all my relationships. Right or wrong. Some of them teach me that I'm far too giving, hell, many of them do, but again this is part of who I am. I know that friendships are relationships. They involve give and take. I also know that there will be times that they, too, are going to have brutal honesty. Actually, true friendships SHOULD have this, just as true relationships should. In fact, it is in a friendship that this level of truth should flourish, not from the desire to hurt another, but to help them grow.
People, I've had a rough year! I know I have been hard on my friends. I have been THAT friend. *Shudder* I've needed them like never before. I've needed their guidance, advice, hugs, comfort, and most of all prayers. I've needed their truth even when it has not been what I wanted to hear. I've also needed them to listen, to really HEAR me, perhaps not always to side with me, but to know my side. To know that just maybe I hurt too and that some circumstances create no winners, but do grow stronger participants.
I've found myself in a spot where the holding on and the letting go came slamming down on me. Today. JUST TODAY! You'd honestly think I'd have this mastered especially since I lost the battle for my marriage earlier this year, but I didn't. Not quite. Not even close. And that is just it. What is it that we hang on to? What needs to be let go? And WHY in both cases.
In this case particularly I was hanging onto promises that shouldn't have been made regardless of their truth when initially uttered. I was hanging on to the hope that maybe, just maybe, they could still come true. But in all this honesty I was actually only fooling myself. It's amazing, how when we are in pain, we do that to ourselves. I've cried a lot over this for weeks now, and yes, even today, now while I type this out. This circumstance which I should never have been in, but I cannot deny its truths or its occurrence.
In my mind's eye I'm picturing a strong rope, one made of many strands. Each strand comprised of all the things shared. It's fastened to the "what was" and dangling from the end of it, grasping tightly, is me. This rope began fraying weeks ago and the longer I've hung on the more the strands have started to come undone. Today with one more mighty whack given there is but one strand left. I am seeing, clearly, through tear strained eyes, that letting go is really the only thing I can do.
Memories are good things. They are blessed things, but they CANNOT create new things. Holding onto memories removes the possibility for future joys and letting go of that hope, the one the memories have bound you to, will allow you to be free for the future. The future you are meant to have. There's hurt in this fact, but there is also an epic level of strength. Only strong people can admit weakness. One of mine is this. The spot between the hanging on and the letting go.
And that, friends, the ones who tried to tell me to do just that, to let it go for all involved in the circumstance, I HEAR you. I HEARD you. I'm sharing my pain and fault. I hope you understand that letting go can be, and is at times, a process and if for no other reason but this simple truth - there is fear in the unknown. But what I forgot to remember is that God is always present in the Unknown. He has always been there, he's there now, in that place, for us all. We just have to trust Him. And had I done that, trusted Him completely thru all this time, none of these words would be penned, because they wouldn't be necessary. Then I think of the growth and honesty it takes to share this. People I have nothing left, but God. Look, I did it my way. I was wrong. I did it all wrong. But I received a gift in this - I have what I know, what I've done, and what I have learned.
Friend, thank you. Thank you for being here, supporting, loving, caring, and giving me the brutal truth in love. For giving me your truth and your advice thru your experience. And most of all, thank you for your compassion to understand that I am just a girl who mucks things up and that sometimes it just all takes time.