Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Closed Doors

We've all heard some variation of the saying, "when one door closes another one opens."  I really hate that saying for many reasons.  I think the biggest reason is that a closing door is often looked at as the goodbye, the end.  The door can be gently closed, slammed shut, pushed in firmly, what have you.  However you look it, it is a severing of something - ties, time, plans, memories, relationships, etc.  But what if we look at it from the other side?  Not as the person on the outside, the one who no longer has access to what ever the thing may be.  What if we look at it from the inside?  Then that closed door could became a symbol of hope, comfort, and happiness. 

I've had a lot of doors closed on me in the past 11 months.  Doors I never thought would.  I have also tried to open doors; doors that just wouldn't budge. As these doors closed, none by choice, until yesterday, but I will get to that later, I crumbled a little bit more.  Each time a bit of me fell away.  Each time I questioned more and more about me, about who I am, about what I am, about what I have to offer.  This all to a point where I questioned my very existence.  Surely I was not put on this Earth to merely become the expert of the closed door.  Then, today, while I was telling a friend about another closed door I got to thinking not only about that one, but also the one from yesterday.

Yesterday, the door, one that had been closed on me, cracked open a small bit.  You know what I did?  I put up a boundary.  Then stated the facts, shared my feelings and CLOSED THAT DOOR!  Yes, I cried.  Yes, it hurt, but today, today I'm not mad at myself.  I'm happy that I did the right thing.  Then today, today where some plans didn't go as anticipated, I gave myself the 15 or so minutes to process it and then, smiled at that closed door.  It too had been one that closed months ago, but kept creeping open from time to time.

Here's the thing.  I will probably always cringe at closed doors, most especially as they swing shut, but I think after some time, like now, I may see that from the inside the closed door isn't such a scary thing.  I may not have the view I had before, but that doesn't mean I won't have a view.  I wonder really if, now, I'm seeing what I was meant to see all along - accepting the defeat, accepting the loss, accepting that my life may just possess more closed doors than open ones -  the hope comfort, and peace I'm meant to have.

Plus, I'm pretty sure the right doors never close.  Until then, I've got some work to do!

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