Sleep eluded me last night. It does that when my thoughts take over, when the words won't stop flowing. I've written so much these past few days. Some I've shared with you; much I have not. It isn't that I won't, we all know that at some point I will to a degree, it's just that there are some thoughts that have to fully form. The ideas have to put themselves together in just the right way. Then there are those thoughts that no matter how much I care about you, I simply must save for myself. These are my letters, my words, that I hold. But, this post isn't about those.
I fell asleep somewhere around 9:30pm with the light on, and my notebook, a pen, and a good book open beside me. I do that often. I fall asleep in such a manner. Truth is I have a couple notebooks, several pens, a couple dozen books - all started, none finished - tucked in my headboard. That doesn't include the basket of running magazines on top of it, my Bible, or my two Kindles. What can I say? I find comfort in words. In fact, right now, these are the only things I have.
Reflection is something that happens when given its course. That time came when I woke up at 1:00am and couldn't get back to sleep. Last night as I laid in bed looking back over the years of my life I was struck by a very bold, very real fact. This is the first time. The first time since I was old enough to start dating that I have not been in a relationship or had a guy in my life in some manner or another. For nearly 20 years I have had someone. And this is the first time that I have only had me.
I'm sure some of you reading this have been there, or are there, by choice or not. Then there are others who aren't and who never have been. There is a certain level of exposure that comes from this. Actually a BIG level. In all honesty, it is at this point where you have to step out and find yourself. Not the self you are when hiding behind someone, but the self you are when there is no one. And by having no one I mean not dating, not committed to, not seeing, not talking to, not hanging with, anything to do with a non-family member of the opposite sex.
I started finding this person months ago. This me that I am. The things about me that I am ok with, that I know to be true - I shared them. I didn't hide them. They were openly received. It was then, a different first, where I began to realize that maybe, just maybe, I'm someone worthy of love. Yet, it has been even more eye opening to me, this person I am, when I have to stand out on my own.
I was talking to my best friend yesterday, via messenger, and she told me - oh, by the way, your best people, they don't let you wallow in your self pity, self denial, or self betrayal. They don't let you hold onto your crap either, no matter how badly you want to. Praise God for people like that, even if it is maddening! - Anyway, she said to me, after a moment of self, ummm, reflection, concerning the fact that I don't know who I am, "I think you very much do. You like to confuse yourself when a man is around."
Well, of course, me in all of my me-ness refuted her words and asked her to enlighten me. Another thing I should tell you, when you ASK for this, be prepared for what you will get. Her response was delivered with the right amount of love and verbal strangling mixed in, because that is also what best people do. She said, "oh my goodness child. Read your own blog for insight. Seriously stop being so melodramatic and remember who you (are). Make it a morning mission to wake up and write down two things you want to find out about yourself that day. Even if it is as lame as whether or not you like over easy or over hard eggs."
And that is it. I began finding myself and stopped, perhaps because I found some level of comfort in hiding behind another, but mostly because I got wrapped up in joyfully falling for and loving that person, but now, now it is time. It is finally time. It is time for me to be true to myself, to discover just who I really am and what I am really made of, to let God do what he needs to do in my life. And to let God direct my tomorrows and use my lessons learned.
They say there is a first time for everything.