Thursday, April 11, 2013

Finding Myself

I've had this conversation with a couple people this week.  Not just any people either. Truly, I think it'd be too much of a conversation for that level of randomness, but with people who hold a piece of my heart.  They know who they are.  They will be reading this.  I love each of you for different reasons and the same reason.  You should know that.  I try to tell you.  Actually I have.  In my way.  But, now you know, and well, so do the others reading this!  Those people and their advice?  Simply - Find myself.

That's the hard part after divorce.  Finding yourself.  It's not so much redesigning yourself, but the honest to goodness finding of yourself.  In the almost 12 years I was with my ex I think I lost a bit of myself.  Now I'm not going to go down that line of stinkin' thinkin'.  It isn't right for a couple of reasons.  First, it was what it was.  Dysfunction and all.  Second, he's still a person and the father of our three children.  That alone commands respect.  Despite our differences he is still a part of my life.  And, whether its appreciated or not, always will be; for three very important reasons.

I had a rough day.  Ok, that is a mild way of putting - my day was so emotion filled that I ran the gamut of feelings up one side and down the other and then, for grins and giggles did it all again.  I got angry, I got sad, I was happy, I cried, no, actually I sobbed.  Yeah, those yucky whole face dripping sobs.  All the while I was on the phone with someone who listened and listened and listened.  Someone who felt each word and tear.  Someone who is becoming the dearest friend to me.  Someone I'm thankful to have in my life.  Someone who told me point blank I need to find myself.

But what is this?  Finding myself?  This is difficult.  I mean I just spent almost 12 years holding "roles."  These were titles that defined me.  There is a lot of courage that can be gleaned from knowing you are a part of something.  And not just courage, but strength.  Even in brokenness, just knowing there is someone there at the end of the proverbial day makes an amazing difference.  This is a person, that despite it all, you could still be all you with.  Yet, in hindsight was I really me?  Are we ever REALLY who we are when we are with another?  This is a really, really good question.  One I've asked myself a lot today.  That of course followed by, Who am I?

How does one go about finding them self?  Most particularly when hiding from it all feels the safest.  I mean, I know the things I like and most definitely know the things I don't like.  I know what makes my heart smile and conversely know what makes it break.  I know that I will never get to be just "Mandy" as I also honorably hold the title, "mommy."  So, does that mean I will never find myself?  Or does that mean the extension of myself is also a mom?  It's hard.  It's confusing.  These are things I do not have answers to and frankly am beginning to wonder if there are answers to.

So, how do you find yourself?  Is it when you are all alone, literally, not figuratively?  Is it when you are in your favorite environment doing your favorite thing?  For me that would be in the woods running on the trails.  Is it when you are accomplishing some goal you've set for yourself?  For me that would be getting my 5k time to 25 minutes by the end of the summer.  Is it when you are freely able to be yourself in front of another - raw emotion, honest talk, tear streamed face, anger laced words, and openly exposed heart?  For me, that was a phone call today. 

Here's to the journey.  The road to finding who I am.  My incompleteness as well as the part of me that is fully defined.  Here is to knowing just exactly what it is that is worthy about me and only accepting that and no compromise for the attentions of another.  Here's to showing that my words are a piece of who I am; my honest, open, sometimes poorly written words.  I will give you this...this is the one part of me that is as found as it is going to get.

Now, has anyone seen Nemo?!

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