Sunday, April 21, 2013

What's in a Name?

I've thought about this so many times over the past few months.  The meaning of my name.  So, Mandy, in and of itself,  doesn't have a a "special" meaning, but since it is a derivative of Amanda, which does, one can say the meaning is: Worthy of Love.  Actually, any number of Google searches will say the same.  I have known this since I was young actually.  My grandma had gotten me a bookmark that said this when I was in middle school.  You know, back in those days when romantic ideology is at its peak.  Back when you could believe in prince charming and happily ever after.  In fact, it was my 8th grade school year when I got this.  I can see it now, in my mind's eye.  It was pink with a meadow scene on it and it said - Amanda:  Worthy of Love. 

I wanted to believe it.  I have always been a hopeless romantic at heart.  I've always believed in true love, love at first sight, and happily ever after.  I've always believed that commitment and honesty were synonymous, and that "I do" meant "until death do us part."  I always hoped that "When a man loves a woman Can't keep his mind on nothin' else" (thanks to Michael Bolton for putting it to words!).  But that is the problem I have had...I've always seen it all through the eyes of a story, a movie, or a love song.  At that time I never knew it was so much more.  So, very much more.  But now I do.  Now I know.  Now I know way more than I should. 

Love is brokenness and heartache.  It is vulnerability on an epic level.  It is deeply painful and remarkably joyous at the same time.  It is anticipation and let down.  It is excitement and disappointment.  It is acceptance and rejection.  It is found and lost.  It is who I am and what I want, but it is also something I don't have.

And that is why I find the meaning of my name to be one of the most comical things I have heard.  Apparently my parents were messed up in the head to give me this name.  No, I'm sure there was another reason, something more profound than a Barry Manilow song that prompted the issuing of said moniker.  I'd like to know what, but am sure there is no clever reasoning behind it.  So, worthy of love....  worthy.... of.... love....

Worthy - having adequate or great merit, character, or value
Love - a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person

Yet, here I sit, not feeling love.  Not the recipient of anyone's love.  Not the giver of love to another.  Not, well, in love.  Really, I'm having a craptastic day.  It is quite horrible actually.  Not so much that it started that way, but in that it is ending that way.  Have you ever wanted something so bad, gotten yourself all worked up with anticipation, and then only to have it torn to shreds because it was recanted?   Yeah, it sucks.  Big time.  One should NEVER allow another to have this much affect on them. No matter who the person is.  One should always have 100% faith, grounding, and reliance on God.   No one should EVER, EVER need another person. 

I'd like to say I'm no least by the definition above.  However, I am not that type of no one.  I know, pity me.  Poor me.  I understand I am not the only one to go through divorce, or break up, or a broken heart.  But what I can tell you, for those who don't know...these are true thoughts.  True feelings.  These are real!  No one knows what it feels like until they've been there.  No one knows the emptiness of it until they have had to walk a mile in those shoes.  NO ONE. 

But, truth - I am worthy.  I know that.  I know that there is, somewhere, a man who will gladly give me unselfish love.  I know that there is a person, hand picked by God, to fill this role.  I firmly believe that God alone will make this happen and that by no work of my own will it come to be.  I also know that I will be a mess until I truly come to terms with what I know and actually let God be God as well as let His timing reign supreme.  I know a lot more than I let myself remember.  I also know, that that person will always, ALWAYS, know it too. 

And to help me and them know, I've permanently reminded us both.
Oh, and because you are all just dying to hear Barry Manilow croon, here is my song: Mandy.

1 comment:

  1. Beautifully written. Writing is therapy and it's good that you're doing it. Keep fighting the good fight.
    I love your tattoo. I've always said, if I were going to get a tattoo, it would say, "Talitha koum."
    Mark 5:41
    He took her by the hand and said to her, "Talitha koum!" (which means "Little girl, I say to you, get up!").
    God bless you.