James 4:17 says - "Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins."
I've had this verse rattling around in my mind for days now. Actually, its been a few weeks. I want to say I've listened to that still small voice consistently for the past two months, but I don't want to lie. Can you believe its been two month since he moved out? I have officially had a man free home for that long. Yes, he was gone a few months before that, but his stuff was still here and I'm getting off topic.
Truth - I've sat on this post for a few days because every word I typed felt more forced than it should. Typically I can write one of these things in minutes as the words pour out, yet not this time. Not quite. I now know why. I wasn't done learning the 'why'. I want these words to mean something, to be a tool for another person going through the same, or similar situation, but in this case I am the one who learned the lesson. I learned it loud and clear. Now its time for getting back in line. Back to where I need to be. Back to who I need to be.
I'm going to tell you, that voice in the back of your head, the one telling you not to do something - LISTEN TO IT. Don't just hear it - listen to it. Hearing and listening are two different things. You can't control all situations. You are simply not that strong. Yes, I know that is a hard thing to accept, but its true. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, we can do in life outside of God's strength. It is when we try to do it on our own that we make the mistakes we make. We make mistakes in our weakness, in our inability to realize our smallness, and not recognizing our great need and dependence on Him. I made a mistake. No, I won't tell you what and don't ask.
I'm a strong willed person. I fight tooth and nail to get my way. I work at it until I get, in some fashion, what I want. This has been my undoing multiple times over my life. Everything we do and say has consequences. If you play with fire you are going to get burnt. Sometimes it is a slow burn and other times it is a total consumption. Sin does that. It starts as small as a spark. The small ember glowing a brilliant shade of orange-red, flittering about, searching for a place to land and grow. Then when it finally lands it is fed; it grows into a fire so big you can't run from it. You lose a piece of yourself here. You lose friends here. You lose the possibilities of good, no GREAT, relationships here. Lack of patience and reliance on God causes this loss. And only their strength and belief in you and your acceptance of your failure can possibly allow re-growth to occur.
But, truthfully, it is God who keeps the fire tamed. Him. He alone can snuff that ember. He is the one who puts perspective on it. But you have to be willing to see it through His eyes. Not your own. Sin will always take on the most amazing characteristics. It is the moment after where it consumes. Running from it does no good. Drowning it does even less good. The only right thing is to turn to the One who can restore and fix you. The One who wanted to do it in the first place. The One who will right the wrongs and find the best for you and create the best you you can be. He wants to.
And I need Him to. I don't want to play with fire any more.