Trust This

Trust is a strong word.  Trust is a hard thing to do.  Trust. The action of putting full faith into someone and giving someone full access to your heart, soul and mind.  Oh there are different ways of looking at it.  For instance I can trust the overpass I travel over twice everyday will not collapse, I can trust that sun and water will make my garden grow and I can trust that what goes up must come down.  However, trust in another person is not something I believe in nor have faith in.  Now I know I sound like a pessimist, but years of being led astray, lied to, given the once over, talked about and set up have taken that ability from me.  I know that I control it and that I have the power to look past all that ails, but at some point there comes that line that once crossed makes going back less than an easy option. 

You may be thinking why this; why now?  Well yesterday I shared that I would reveal my anti-trust process.  Here it is...I am hugely insignificant to people.  Therefore, the best way to keep the pain from closing in, I never let people close.  Not letting a person close guarantees that I won't form trust.  Thus, I don't trust people.  I know we have all met a person who has hurt us a time or two and have made us see what lies truly at the heart of another.  I am not even going to pretend that I am the only person in this boat, because frankly I know that I am not.  But here is what this is causing in my life right now.

It is causing my not to truly love.  By that I mean, why let myself out there when all that has ever happened in the past is the painstaking realization I never mattered in the first place.  For instance, my first husband.  I was quite young when I married for the first time, only 21 and like most 21 years olds I thought I had life figured out and I was settling in for eternity.  Let me tell you the BIG wake up call I had when, after the vows were said, I was told I would never be first in his life, but rather his friends - his friends would always hold that spot.  Then there was a person that I had befriended as an adult. I shared my passions, my fears, my hopes and dreams as well everything else in between with her.  What did I get in return?  Simply that all the years I thought I knew who she was, was all a blatant lie.  She had lied to me on a level so grand that I truly didn't know who she was when I actually saw her again.  Oh, I know these two examples don't seem like much but it does go much, much deeper than this.  However, these two are but a small example of the lessons that taught me about people and trust.

I have come to realize, more so in the past few days, that there is one person who has never done anything negative to me.  A person who loved me so much He died so that I might live and yet, I have not truly given myself over to Him.  Why?  I am afraid to trust.  I am afraid to trust Him in that He will make me be who I was meant to be.  I have made a mess of my life in so many ways.  There are attributes that I possess that are far from endearing and in fact they keep people away - (hence a product of my distrust - don't let them close....).  Then everything I read, hear, and see teaches that I am to put all my trust in Him.  Him - my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.   Jesus loves me, heavens He loves us all.  Yet, through all this knowledge I still struggle with trust.  That struggle brings forth the "who am I" train of thought which leads to depression which leads to, well...blogs much like I had in June and some of July.

There you have it - trust is a thing that I struggle with.  I want to trust you.  I want to trust those people who are "closest" to me, but I can't put myself out there like that anymore.  I am not strong enough to face that kind of rejection; trust me...

Trust

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My Kitchen Curtains

Image
Have you ever set out to redecorate a room in your home?  I find this one of the most infuriating things to do as a homeowner.  I swear I have used every color of paint known to man on these walls and still struggle to find that one color that just makes me swoon every time I enter the room. Because of this my walls are a lovely, albeit safe, shade of off white; though I am sure it has some fabulous name like - Barely There, Crushed Seashell, or Not Quite White.  But it comes across as truly B-O-R-I-N-G !  I mean, I have an intense personality and I am NOT afraid of color...heaven's you should see what I wear.  So, how do I take that and transform a room, and not spend a week's or a month's salary doing it?  Here's the dilemma.  I don't know what I like!  I know, right?!  How on Earth do I start when I don't know where to start?  Ok, perhaps I do.  I like red.  I like contemporary/modern, bit not overly geometric.  I like floral, but not itty-bitty prints.
Read more

But Would You Still Say Yes?

I've had a busy day.  Run the Littles here and there, flat tire, work from home, spend time with friends, run the Littles here and there again, fix dinner, answer emails - busy.  While waiting for my oldest Little's choir performance to begin I goofed around on my phone, but even that couldn't give my wandering mind rest.  So I silenced my phone and placed it in my purse and pulled out my Bible.  Yes, I carry it everywhere with me.  Yes, I have a phone app, but there is just something altogether more special about turning the pages, feeling the leather binding, holding God's truths in hand.  And I read.  Right where I left off.  Sometimes I think God knows where we are and not just in life, but in all things.  2 Peter 1:5-9: "For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to
Read more

One Car, Two Car - Red Car, Blue Car

Image
"From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere." - Dr. Seuss One car two car red car blue car. Black car  blue car old car new car.   Barry Weise - Storage Wars Mizpah Shriners This one has a little star. This one is a little car. Say! what a lot of cars there are.                                       Yes.  Some are red. And some are blue. Some are old, And some are new.   Some are steamy. And some are gleamy. And some are very, very dreamy. Why are they steamy and gleamy and dreamy? I don't know. Go ask your Aunt Mimi. Some are thin. And some are fat. This one has an orange hat. From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere. Here are some that like to run They run for fun in the hot, hot sun. Oh me! Oh my! Oh me! Oh my! What a lot of funny things go by. Some have two seats and some have four. Some have six seats and some have more.
Read more