Trust is a strong word. Trust is a hard thing to do. Trust. The action of putting full faith into someone and giving someone full access to your heart, soul and mind. Oh there are different ways of looking at it. For instance I can trust the overpass I travel over twice everyday will not collapse, I can trust that sun and water will make my garden grow and I can trust that what goes up must come down. However, trust in another person is not something I believe in nor have faith in. Now I know I sound like a pessimist, but years of being led astray, lied to, given the once over, talked about and set up have taken that ability from me. I know that I control it and that I have the power to look past all that ails, but at some point there comes that line that once crossed makes going back less than an easy option.
You may be thinking why this; why now? Well yesterday I shared that I would reveal my anti-trust process. Here it is...I am hugely insignificant to people. Therefore, the best way to keep the pain from closing in, I never let people close. Not letting a person close guarantees that I won't form trust. Thus, I don't trust people. I know we have all met a person who has hurt us a time or two and have made us see what lies truly at the heart of another. I am not even going to pretend that I am the only person in this boat, because frankly I know that I am not. But here is what this is causing in my life right now.
It is causing my not to truly love. By that I mean, why let myself out there when all that has ever happened in the past is the painstaking realization I never mattered in the first place. For instance, my first husband. I was quite young when I married for the first time, only 21 and like most 21 years olds I thought I had life figured out and I was settling in for eternity. Let me tell you the BIG wake up call I had when, after the vows were said, I was told I would never be first in his life, but rather his friends - his friends would always hold that spot. Then there was a person that I had befriended as an adult. I shared my passions, my fears, my hopes and dreams as well everything else in between with her. What did I get in return? Simply that all the years I thought I knew who she was, was all a blatant lie. She had lied to me on a level so grand that I truly didn't know who she was when I actually saw her again. Oh, I know these two examples don't seem like much but it does go much, much deeper than this. However, these two are but a small example of the lessons that taught me about people and trust.
I have come to realize, more so in the past few days, that there is one person who has never done anything negative to me. A person who loved me so much He died so that I might live and yet, I have not truly given myself over to Him. Why? I am afraid to trust. I am afraid to trust Him in that He will make me be who I was meant to be. I have made a mess of my life in so many ways. There are attributes that I possess that are far from endearing and in fact they keep people away - (hence a product of my distrust - don't let them close....). Then everything I read, hear, and see teaches that I am to put all my trust in Him. Him - my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Jesus loves me, heavens He loves us all. Yet, through all this knowledge I still struggle with trust. That struggle brings forth the "who am I" train of thought which leads to depression which leads to, well...blogs much like I had in June and some of July.
There you have it - trust is a thing that I struggle with. I want to trust you. I want to trust those people who are "closest" to me, but I can't put myself out there like that anymore. I am not strong enough to face that kind of rejection; trust me...