Good morning lovelies. I seem to be in a rare frame of mind these days and while I have never withheld my raw emotion, my deep words, my truest thoughts from you, I wonder if this has any effect? Are these for naught? Does it make a difference? Do I make a difference? In the past 24 hours I have thoroughly questioned my existence. I simply cannot find peace. This is a thing that has plagued me time and again over the years - finding my place, my reason, my purpose. I seriously feel like a rather large bag of bones that is doing nothing more than taking up space from someone who deserves it more than I do.
Now, there are some of you who, if you have read this post to this point, are shaking your head and thinking I need to just get over this and move on; that I am feeling sorry for myself, that a grown woman should have put away these pathetic nuances years ago - like in her teens. I won't deny you your thoughts and I won't justify me for having mine. They are as much a part of me as any physical feature I have. All of this brings me to today's reading.
Jesus tells us He is the true vine and we are the branches and that our Father in Heaven in the gardener. That a branch, in order to bear fruit must be attached to the vine. A dead branch cannot bear fruit and a good branch must be continuously pruned in order to grow and bear more fruit. Now, I'm not much of a landscape gardener. In fact, I'm quite embarrassed by my lack of skill, which to be honest is evidence of my lack of care or desire to enhance it. Essentially, I do not like it. There is no joy for me, whatsoever, in this type of yard work. Despite that, I do know in order to get the lovely roses, which were planted by a previous owner, to bloom I need to cut the dead bits away. I also know, in order to keep anything of value coming up, I need to pull the weeds. I do these things out of necessity more than desire and joy.
He is the vine, I am the branches. I can bear no fruit unless I am in Him and He is in me. I need to be pruned and cultivated to bear good fruit. Just like the roses need pruning for their beautiful pink petals to bloom, I need pruning to have something beautiful come from me. How does this fit with where I started? Those feelings, those doubts, those words, they are nothing but dead bits that need pruning. They are stunting my growth, they are preventing me from being fruitful.
What fruit am I talking about? In Galatians 5:22-23 we are given a list of the fruits of the spirit - 2 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. I read this list and struggle to find a single fruit I exhibit, a single fruit one could think of me and identify. This is why I feel the way I feel. Do I truly have a proper attachment to the vine for my branches to bear fruit, and if I do, am I still just in a season of pruning. (A horribly long season at that?!)
It appears, at least to me, there is still much work to be done in me. I pray continually for this to happen and can only hope that at the end of my days there is something to be shown for it.
I have to run...apparently this writing before work thing isn't so good - I keep running out of time. Pardon any grammar/spelling mistakes...I will have to proofread at a later time.