This year the days leading up to Christmas have been a bevvy of mixed emotions for me. Yes, last year I was wreck. You all read it, here, in black and white. Yet when I read back over some of those posts I wonder where that woman is who had so much faith. That woman who clung so hard to the hope that just maybe she would receive a Christmas miracle after all. It didn't come. I secretly, well, not really, I publicly believed in it. Don't get me wrong I still believe in miracles. I still believe that God is in the miracle making business, I just know that that wasn't mine.
Despite all that, despite how I feel and the sadness that overwhelms me most of the time, I cannot actually forgo the season, as much as I may have wanted to. I have my Littles to think about. They, these precious gifts of mine, do still believe in miracles and it is my duty to provide them with that. So, I set out this year to do the best I could with what I have. We decorated our tree with a little help from a wonderful friend, we set up the blow-up reindeer, penguin, and snowman out front, and we even have a couple gifts under the tree.
I chose to continue the tradition that we started when our biggest little was born - a new ornament each year. This year she got a blue, sparkly mushroom. The middle little got a gingerbread house, and the littlest little got this sparkly, feathery monstrosity that just begs for attention on the tree. Quite fitting to her outgoing personality. Actually each ornament fits each of my Littles to a T. This year, I too, got an ornament, a glass running shoe. Then as we took each of the ornaments out of their storage containers we began to mount years worth of memories on the branches of our 7.5' Yonkers Pine. I watched as each of my Littles placed their hand picked ornaments from over the years, then the ones their dad and I picked for them when they were still too little to do it themselves. I held back the molten tears. They didn't need to see them. My friend didn't need to see them. It wasn't the right time.
Now that a few weeks have passed I find that I cannot hold them in any longer. The last few days have left me sitting here, all alone, while my Littles are at their dad's house creating new traditions with him, looking upon our tree and flooding my mind with the memories. I see the alphabet shaped cookie ornaments we picked out when the littlest little was born, the little wooden ducky that we got when the biggest little was born, and the Baby's first Christmas ball that was given to us when the middle little was born. There are sock monkeys and candy canes, jingle bells and lollipops, a horse, giraffe, and lady bug, plus several others, and of course every single hand-made ornament they have ever brought home.
These are the gifts that I have this year. Not a single one under my tree, but the memories of each ornament that is on it. The Littles get so excited knowing that they can pick a new one every year. It becomes something quite special for them. It is a quest not taken lightly, after all they only get to chose one. And as I sit here, with tears in my eyes, I think of the one who gave us the greatest gift of all. The one gift we all need, yet many do not want. God gave us His son as the gift of salvation. He gave us the one thing that meant everything to Him. He chose the exact time for the miracle to happen and we celebrate that as Christmas. Truly there is no ornament in all the Earth that could compare to that.
Merry Christmas from our home to yours. May your holiday fill you with new memories and the joy this season is meant for.