I Read Too Much

Do you ever just want to yell at God?  No, I don't mean like when you yell at the guy who cut you off in traffic, I mean yell at him over things that happen and demand of him the reasons for those same things?  I do.  I want to scream at him at the top of my lungs to ensure that he hears me.  No, not just hears me, but feels me.  Feels my pain.  People, I am so very mad at God right now.  You want to know an ugly truth about me?  I hate myself.  I hate that I am not good enough for another person's love.  I hate that no matter how hard I try, another person always steals the person I love away from me.  Each and every time.  I hate that I am so wrong for everyone that they run from me as fast as they are able and when the dust settles I am left holding a broken heart and lots of memories.  Always only memories.  Not plans for the future, just the moments of my past. Why?  I know this is an age old que...

Today is Thanksgiving.  It is a day when we are to pour out our thanks for all things and find the blessing in all things regardless of what life has really thrown at us.  Today is a day where we are demanded by society to only see positives because after all, it could be worse.  Oh, dear, sweet society, yes it could always be worse.  I think we do that, though.  We like to discount people's pain most especially when we don't have the same pain.  We like to look at them and tell them, "be thankful..."  Just once, instead of telling them to be thankful for such and such, why don't we pull up next to them and feel with them.  Why don't we hold them while they cry.  Comfort them when they are shaking with hurt?  Truly this would be a wonderful way to show them that you care.  In turn, I promise, they will find thanks in that small gesture.  I would have found thanks in that small gesture. All day today I have struggled with my t...

I have tried to put this post together many times over the past few days. Yet, every time I would get a few sentences in I would get distracted or have to run off to something the Littles needed me for.  In each of my attempts I have wanted to pour out the sadness, the pain, the heartache, and the agony that has consumed me.  Honestly I still want to do that.  I still want to cry all over this post.  I want you to see and feel what I see and feel.  To a point, there is still a chance that will happen here, tonight, as my fingers meet the keys.  But, to be honest, I think God gave me the distractions to keep the wrong words from coming out, the hurtful words.  Not in that I would have been mean, but in that I wouldn't have been fair.  We do that sometimes, don't we?  Most especially when we hurt, we use our words. He broke up with me.  This man that I had fallen in love with.  This man who I met last fall and spent s...

Have you ever looked back over a situation and wondered just how you made it through?  Me too.  In fact, I've been thinking over the past 2+ years a lot these past days and wondered where on Earth did the strength come from and where on Earth has it gone?  There are things I know to be absolutely true about me and then there are the things that I know are lies I tell myself because the truth would hurt all that much more.  Before you interject your ideas as to the difference between the two, allow me to explain.  Truths that I know about me: 1. I am a strong person.  Head strong that is.  I am a truly stubborn woman.  My grandma used to tell me that this would be my nemesis someday (my words not hers exactly, but it was the point given).  She was right, this is at times my undoing. 2. I am a weak woman.  Emotionally speaking.  I wear my feelings on my shirt sleeve.  I do not hide them nor do I sugar coat th...

For those who have followed this blog for any length of time you know that I've had an interesting couple of  years in that my personal life was turned upside down.  So you know, this post isn't going to be about that; well, for the most part at least! One of the things that really hurts about the changes in my personal life is the fact that for  any and all burdens I face, in regards to my home life, fall solely on my shoulders.  As in I have no one to share the struggle with.  This brings me to the spot I have found myself in.  For the first time in my entire adult life I find myself facing an uncertainty that I do not know how to work through.  Yes, 2 years ago I was in the same boat for entirely different reasons and today I am here for a complete set of other ones.  If I am to be honest I have often shared with my close friends and family that this situation is one I'd be able to work through, one that I would be alrig...

This past Saturday I crossed another first off of my running "bucket list".  This year has been wrought with many accomplishments as well as many set-backs for me, running wise.  I have shared with you my journey toward a 100 mile month, my joy in finally becoming a marathoner, and my heartache in being "benched" due to an ever common injury suffered by runners - a bum IT Band.  The road to recovery hasn't been easy.  In fact, it has been much harder than learning to run in the first place.  I mean, after all, I had to start over and that is NEVER an easy feat regardless of what it is you are starting over from.  But, that is a story for another time.  (Aren't they all?!?) I decided a couple of months ago the best way to not revert back to a coach potato was to sign up for as many races as I could - within financial reason of course.  Well, in the beginning, I ran a couple of 5Ks.  While I never reached, equaled, nor beat any...

I've taken many weeks off from writing, yes even in my private journals.  It isn't that I haven't had a desire to, quite the opposite really; it is more that I have been struggling with coming to terms with the thoughts in my head.  I won't lie, this battle, the one where I am struggling to be the confident, independent divorce is colliding with the career woman, single mom of three, who longs for a forever someone, is wearing me out.  People divorce is so very hard.  I have read countless articles, books, blogs, not to mention listened to radio programs, podcasts and other divorces' advice, but I am still not healed.   Listen to me, no matter what you may want to believe and some may convince you to believe, there is no cookie-cutter way to get through divorce.  Most especially if you were the one left hanging.  I've fought God, myself, and others in this process.  I've had good days and horrible days.  I...