Thursday, May 16, 2013

Only the Lonely

Roy Orbison was on to something when he recorded this song all those years ago.  It's been my theme song for quite some time.  I've worked really hard at keeping it at bay - the loneliness, not the song.  Truly I've had some good days.  Days in which I keep so busy with one thing or another that I don't have time to reflect on it.  Those days really it isn't things and activities, it is conversation with others.  In fact, there are nights, I hate to admit, that I will have multiple conversations going on all at once.  No, it's true and quite possible!  Several are by text and several more by messenger.  I try to fill my time with talk.  With other people.

I know that my Christian friends will be the first to jump in, right now, and say "you should be spending that time with the Lord, in prayer, in meditation, in reading His word."  Truth - they are right.  So completely right.  That's what I really should do.  Because from there I know I will always have someone who is a constant.  Someone who will always speak the real and honest truth to my heart.  Someone who will love me regardless - and so totally NOT feed me a line.  Yet, I wonder still, is that the only answer?

I mean, when do I get past this?  When do I get to the point where "by myself" is the best place to be? When do I finally have that night where I don't cry myself silly and often times to sleep?  Yes, granted, they are fewer and farther between, BUT they still come.  They still sneak in on me and pull the rug out from under my feet.  These nights where I am faced with no one but myself to end the day with.  Where I'm forced to look and search and think of only what I am, who I am.  Where I do not talk away the hours on my phone or computer.  These are hard nights. 

I'll have you know that even in this current state of duress I have not succumbed to one of my weaknesses as of late.  My girl, E, would be so very proud.  In fact, it has been four whole days - in a row. Yes, IN A ROW, that I have NOT had a drop.  Not a one!  Sadly, I have resorted to chocolate. (this is not a laughing matter!)  People, I MUST get me a treadmill.  That is all there is to it.  I HAVE to have one.  Running is what I love.  I love to push myself.  I love the feeling of making my person do what only I can make it do.  And, true bonus material here - it is an internal force, not an external stimulant.  This is the "drug" I want to turn to. 

I know there are many who will read this that have no clue the pain of this, the weaknesses this pain can bring about.  They have no clue the prolonged torture, the constant fight, the embittered battle in my soul and mind.  Sure, every person has lost someone, somewhere and somehow, I cannot negate that fact.  But loss, regardless of that commonality is lost and left right there, for each of us have our story - our own personal version of the loss.  Each of us have all the factors that were and are uniquely ours that make the loneliness so different.  Yet, in that, it is also true, that only the lonely truly understand.

Only The Lonely

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