I had an interesting conversation with an old friend today. You see, I'm still caught on this whole "I am divorced" thing. I have in a few earlier posts shown great strength and the proof that there is life after divorce, but for the past couple of months I have really struggled. I mean REALLY struggled. I want to, more than anything, put forth my best face. I want to prove that I don't need anyone and that I am a strong, independent woman who needs no man. Truth of it is, I really don't need a man, but I sure do miss being married. I miss the companionship. I miss knowing that I am someone that another chose to spend their life side-by-side with.
I hate dating. It stinks. It isn't so much the being me part that stinks, it is revealing that part of me to another. It's kind of like shopping. Who am I kidding it is a lot like shopping. I have an insane love of running shoes. (Perhaps almost as crazy as my love of boots.) I can spend hours scouring running stores and online running sites looking at shoes. There are many, many styles that are visually appealing, but lack the necessary support for my foot. In the long run, quite literally, they do not hold up. I end up getting hurt and can't run for a while due to an injury. Truth of it is, the best shoe for me is one that most people over look. It is really kind of plain, but man it's like running on air and my feet are totally in heaven. These are the ones that I get. Over and over and over. Don't worry, I do have a point. You should all know this by now.
Back to our conversation, one that was spurred on by what is acceptable communication while dating and what is not. (I've been told there are no exact rules for this, it is up to the people involved. JOY! NOT) Which then lead into me blaming my current woes on the ex Mr. I've come to that. I hate that I have. I have come to the point where I blame where I am on the choices that he made. I know this is wrong. I know that I should not base my happiness or life on something that was done to me, but there are times when the girl in me comes out and my humanness takes over my rational thinking. Truth of it is, I blame the angst of dating on him. I mean I wouldn't be faced with it if he hadn't walked away. My friend, who ALWAYS calls a spade a spade simply told me this: "You need to forgive him and let it go."
LET IT GO? WHAT? I mean that makes it sound like its a balloon and I just have to release it into the air. It isn't that easy, is it? My rebuttal, one that I felt was quite profound and well placed. "I guess forgiving him would mean I have to accept I may never have love again." My friend laughed at this and told me to give it time to let God work. Me, in my infinite wisdom walked right into the next bit of the conversation. I said that I am being reminded that it is going to take a miracle (since I'm getting so old). To which my friend told me that's good because, "you happen to serve a God of miracles." So here is the thing - don't get into an argument with a friend that has a DEEP walk with God - you'll lose every time!
Seriously though, a few hours plus a 10 mile run later has given me time to think on this. You know what? I do serve a God of miracles. And, if I am completely honest with myself, I do need to forgive and let go. Not in the least for the ex Mr.'s benefit, but for mine. Yes, he did steal away a lot of hopes, dreams, and future adventures, but my friend may just have it right. If my God can raise the dead, help the blind to see, help the lame to walk, turn water into wine, and forgive me, then yes, not only can I forgive the ex Mr., but God can perform the miracle that I am so desperately wanting.
I think the hardest part is that God's timing is NOT the same as ours. Our life is merely a blip on the map of eternity and God has no urgency in any matter other than us coming to know Him personally. While I can only see my present and dwell on my past, He can see my entire future. The one He has mapped out perfectly for me, that is if I leave the choice to Him. Now, I think to discount my hurt and pain would not be what He wants. I think what He wants is for me to give it to Him, daily. Heaven's hourly or even by the minute if need be, because what I'm really needing to accept in all of this is His unfailing love for me.
I need to accept more than my present, I need to place trust into the one person who designed my future. I need to accept that He will not fail me. He will not let me go. He wants to perform the miracle that I'm eagerly searching for.
I've got some forgiving to do.