What do you do when you want to write, but you know the words are all going to be the vomit your brain has produced all day? I want to get the words out. I want to get these things out of my head. I want to be free from them. And yet, even now as I am typing I do not recall each one. I know that they have weighed on me today and that because of it I am completely and utterly drained today. I have no energy. I am void of feeling - I am numb.
We had an amazing lesson today in Sunday School (Small Group if you will) and a terrific message during the service. Man, I seriously love our church. I seldom wonder if I tell anyone enough on how much I need them. How much I need the peace and comfort of the people I call my church family. The Sunday School lesson was on New Year's Resolutions and the Message was on Stewardship (Embracing Responsibility). And since then I have been in a funk.
You see, I don't make New Year's Resolutions. Why? I fail at them. I do not like the word "diet", I love to run, but am so frustrated in how much stamina I have lost since taking the last 6 months off to heal this bum knee. So much so that it makes me cry to think of what I used to be capable of. But I think the truth of it is so much bigger than all of that. I think it has to do with what I am meant to be and do. I know in the last couple of posts I've let on with some things that I am struggling with.
For instance if my responsibility is to be exactly where I am, then I must not see where it is that I am. Truth of it is, God has blessed me abundantly; I will never, ever deny that fact. I have searched repeatedly for the journal entry where I asked the Lord for my future someone and all of the things that I asked for. Oh, he is so faithful. Yes, he will do it in his timing, but when it is his will, it will happen! You see, the thing of it is, he doesn't always make sure you are really ready for what it is that you are asking for.
Don't get me wrong. I am not looking a gift horse in the mouth, not in the least; but what I am doing is questioning the strength that he thinks I have. This is where I am. This is what has me so completely bereft. I am happy, I am thankful, I am so blessed and yet I have this struggle. I have this complete understanding that no matter what there is never going to be a completeness, a wholeness with my life as it is. There will never again be a "perfect picture."
And despite this fact I know that I have to move on, go forward. I have to Embrace my Responsibility and also face this next year with all of its challenges with the eager expectation that the Lord is already there and he has already fought and conquered the battles that I have yet to come upon. You see, I know all that I should. I KNOW. Yet, I know not. (Know this is not a Yoda thing!) You see, each year, as I quite certain you all saw on multiple FB posts, the new year brings with it 365 (366 this year because of the Leap Year) blank pages to write an amazing story. And I do not know what to even place on page one.
Well, here is to the next blank page, and the one after that and the things that I have to accept God's grace and power to conquer and learn as the days add up.