Thursday, January 14, 2016

The Words That Define

Over the course of the years I have been both brutally honest and transparent as well as cloaked in self preservation.  Tonight, well, I have something to share that I've held in since elementary school.  Something that has ate away at the fabric of my being so deeply that at times I wonder if it isn't the truth of who I am simultaneously fighting the person I chose to be.  I will not name the person as I know their words were never meant for my eyes; only my  mother's.  I cannot say how I stumbled across the words, so fervently scrawled across the perfectly lined paper, but I did.  I think I even subconsciously heard that I should never be allowed to see the words.  Yet, I was a child.  Once fraught with curiosity that I chose to seek the words that held an omen that I have fought my entire life never to become.

You see, the person who penned these was not truly in anger with my being, but more so with the choices of the person who borne me.  Yet, to this day, some 25+ years after I read them so beautifully, yet angrily forced upon the steno paper, they haunt me.  These words which I have earnestly sought never to define me.  The words which to think about now make me wonder if they haven't truly come to fruition and in my naivety chose not to accept their truth.  Please understand that the person who penned these is someone I have always strove to please.  A person who I love, even to this day.  A person who I see in my mind's eye as one of the most beautiful women I know.

To this day, I struggle with how to talk to her, wondering deeply if my life is in any way, shape or form worthy of her judgment.  If I have succeeded enough in life to be at least an ounce of worthy. Do not misunderstand, I value her to this day, while still wishing I was good enough to not be insignificant in her eyes.  This person, whom is blood family, knows so much of my ancestry,  yet so little of who the real me is.  Sure, I am fallible.  I am weak.  I am broken.  I am a sinner. But in all of this, I am also a woman who knows that without God there is no basis for my being.

Those words?  Oh, I know you are eagerly awaiting their condemning voice, their purposeful meaning, and their foreshadowing.  You want them as badly as I wish to forgive them.  You see, they hurt.  They burn.  They diminish me to  this day when I give them the power to do so.  She said, quite profoundly that, "[Mandy] would wind up barefoot and pregnant with no hope of a future. That she [me] would wind up a nobody."  Oh, my dear readers, this may seem so trivial to you, but I use these words to question my worth.  Have I done enough?  Have I become enough?  Will I ever be someone?  Have I created another generation of women who wish they had a purpose? 

While I sit here, taking a much needed break from my studies for my MBA, I wonder if I am good enough to succeed.  If I fail to obtain the grades I need, will that mean I am not smart enough or good enough to be someone.  I truly want to tell you all I want in life is to be the woman God designed me to be, yet at the same time I feel that I am too lacking in every way to be even a person He sees.

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