Can I be honest with you? Oh, what the hey, I'm always open and honest with you. (My naysayers will refute that, but we all have them.) This past Sunday in Sunday School we had a lesson that I just cannot seem to shake. There are so many of those aren't there? I actually think many of my posts say, or at least start off saying, the same thing. You see, we were talking about envy. We were talking about those things that we see others have that just makes us second guess ourselves. Now, the teacher he was expecting the normal answers like, "I wish I had $$ like so and so." "I wish my house was as big as..." You get the idea. But before anyone else could chime in I spoke up. I didn't even preface my answer. No, I threw it out there in all of its ugliness. I gave it the spotlight, I bared its simplicity and it complexity. That thing that I wish I had that everyone else has? That thing that I get jealous about?
Relationships. Yep. That's it. I struggle here and it breaks me to see how easy it is for others. I have walls. BIG walls. I don't like to let people in. I don't like to share more than I think others have the right to know. I don't want a sole to have any idea of what I have going on in many areas of my life. However, there are things that I love to talk about. My Littles for one. I'm so proud of them. I also love to talk about my work, my schooling (oh yeah, I'm working on my Master's), my hobbies, my house. Those, those are the things I like to talk about. I am not at all into pop-culture, mainstream anything, or the newest gizmo. I do like to talk about the news, politics, and current events. Now, you may be thinking why is this an issue?
Well, apparently when I talk about these things, most especially with the people in my life, they think I am talking down or above them. But it isn't the case. Not one lick. These are just the things that I know about, the things that are personal to me and me alone and that makes them things that I am an authority on. I don't want to sit and talk about other people - unless it's the "fine folks" that are running for the presidency! Snort! I shouldn't have to. There is no reason what-so-ever. Sure I talk to you about my Littles, what they are learning, how they are doing, what they have accomplished. Yet, I fail to make lasting connections.
I know that the most important thing with relationships is communication and that he most important part of communication is listening, and I do that. In fact, I've been told I listen too much. By that I mean that instead of engaging in the conversation I just listen to it. Well, there isn't much I can contribute, they are things I know nothing about. Thus I bust out the listening skills.
Ok, I understand that there is more to relationships than communication and that there are just those times when personalities clash and there isn't much I can do about that. Trust me, I've tried numerous times to change who I am to make other people happy and it has only hurt me and them in the end. So there it is. I want you to know that I am socially awkward. I do not get the nuances, the way it is supposed to work, the ins and outs, the - well, process.
But I do try.