Thursday, July 4, 2013

Understanding

There comes a time when you know.  You just KNOW how someone feels.  You see their actions, their words and you know.  You know without a shadow of a doubt what they are going through, not because you have sat down with them, but for a reason all the more prominent than that.  You've been there.  You've walked a mile in those shoes.  You know.  You have a deeper understanding than many people do.  An understanding that you wish you didn't have because of what it is, but one that you do have because of what it is.

I know the pain.  I know the struggle to hold on and fight and beg and plead.  I know the way it feels to come to the realization that there are no words left to fully express what needs to be said.  I know the anguish of the truth as it comes crashing down at your feet.  I've been there.  I've been in that place where you don't know if you are coming or going.  Where merely going through the motions of every day life is all that you have in order to make it.  That the simplest act of breathing takes every ounce of energy that you have, because you have spent all that you have on going over every wrong/bad situation created over the years - time and time again.  I know.

I want to say sorry for knowing this.  I want to say I really wish I could take the pain away and heal the wounds.  I can't.  No one could do it for me.  No one.  Not a single person, even those who had been in these shoes before me could not take it away.  They listened.  They cried with me.  Grieved with me.  Got angry for me when I wouldn't.  I never got angry.  I got hurt.  I got sad.  But never mean.  Never once.  I didn't have time for that.  I squelched every one who did.  It wasn't their fight.  I asked for them to listen. And they did.  People will - for a time.  Then it will become too much for them and they will stop calling, texting, emailing, sending letters, and letting you know they are there for you.  People don't mean to do this, but they have lives too.  They have to move on too.  This was their way of saying it is something that needs to be done for me too.  I needed to move on.

And it does happen.  It happens when you least expect it.  That moment when you realize you are going to be ok.   That the crap storm that has uprooted your life has passed and in its wake it made you a stronger, wiser person.  It made you a person that won't compromise who you are and what you want for anything or anyone. No settling.  Not a lick of it. In fact, it will make you take that extra moment to stop and smell the roses, even if you are in danger of touching the thorns.  Because moving on is the best thing to do.  Oh, I won't negate the pain that comes from that.  Especially now.  When it is so fresh and new and overwhelming.  It is the overwhelmingness that will consume.  It will consume you.  Let it.  Drown in it.  Then kick it to the door.  You are better than it.

Then when you get to that point when you are second guessing everything about you.  Everything that makes you who you are.  Know that time changes people.  Life changes people.  People are at their core the same, but other things about them change.  Sure you will see all those things about you that you let go.  That you stopped caring about because you didn't think it was necessary.  They are always necessary.  Don't lose you.  Don't give up who you are to make someone else whole.  The right person is going to love you - exactly who you are.  They aren't going to find ways to change you to make you who they need you to be.  You are who you are.  Be that person.

Then one day.  One day when you are faced with making a decision.  One that will have its own consequences in conjunction with its own joys you'll have the strength to do what needs to be done.  You will have owned every aspect of the story.  Yours and theirs inside and out.  You will have weighed all the truths.  And all this because, not only have you been there, but because you have understanding.  An understanding that you wish you didn't have, but one that made you better in the end.

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