Today at church we celebrated Pentecost. Pastor's message was on Focusing on the Filling. You know, Pentecost...the Holy Spirit came upon them like a mighty wind and flaming tongues above their heads, and they were all filled. Truly, I can only imagine what a wonder that would have been, how it would have felt. In fact, there is a part of me that is a wee bit jealous over their experience. Oh, I know, we all have the opportunity to have that feeling, that experience. We call it Entire Sanctification. This is something I could go on about for some time, but it isn't the point of this post. However, before I do get there, to my point that is, I want to leave you with one thought on this subject - there is no better feeling in the world than to know you are walking hand-in-hand with the Lord. No better comfort than to know you are working together with the Spirit to be filled by Him while being emptied of your self. (Not emptied of the good stuff that makes you who you are, but all the ick that prevents you from shining as the you you are!) Sigh...as Pastor said today, no relationship with God changes because of Him. Now that is food for thought.
After the message we had open alter. I haven't gone up there for a while. It isn't that I didn't want to, or rather didn't think I needed to. Heaven's we all do, but this isn't about anyone else. This is about me. I'm not here to judge you. I'm here to share what I learned. Today, while sobbing uncontrollably before the Lord. Yes, my hair was soaked with tears and runny nose offerings and mascara was making its path known down my cheeks as I was telling God how sorry I was. I am, too. Sorry. Sorry for changing our relationship status because I was focusing too much on other relationships. Other things. Then wouldn't you know, he sent some angels to pray with me, for me. Oh, not angels with wings and white gowns, but some very special women in the church. I didn't give them the particulars, I couldn't. I still can't. Not yet, but pray they did anyway.
Through the tears they held me, prayed for me, encouraged me, and loved me. All the while NOT knowing why they were doing it. Then when the praying was done, one of the ladies just looked me in the eye and said, "I know." This wasn't a flippant comment, this wasn't a comment made to try to make me feel better, but this was an honest understanding of the words that I hadn't spoken due to an unbelievable knowledge of what is going on in my life. Here was someone who said exactly what I needed to know and hear and yet didn't divulge anything more than what she had to and with me not sharing a thing either. She knew. She understood. Loneliness drives us to say, think, and do some not normal things. Her words in a nutshell, my knowledge of that fact. There will be consequences. There always is. But that is another post too! Her advice...
One thing - a day at a time. Write one thing each day that is a positive thing about me. Only one. And keep it she said. And think on it through out the day. That is one thing, good, about me. And the next day do it again. And again. And again. Then at the end of the week I will have seven positive things about who I am. About this person that God made special and on purpose. Not to have loneliness, and sadness, and pain - but to rise above those feelings with the power that can only come from being filled with Him. And these "one things" aren't to take away feeling, but to help me know that I can be alone. To learn how to be comfortable being me without another. Because I have to live with myself before I can ever live with another person. These "one things" are to help me see the me I really am. Through my eyes. Mine.
And that dear friends, is the truth about that!