Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Hold My Heart

I've searched, fervently, for something to heal my broken heart.  I stumbled across a picture on the web that gave me the only answer I really needed, you can see it below.  It wasn't that my vision was skewed, its that my mind couldn't, wouldn't, focus.  After all, my heart is in a thousand little pieces.  I hurt.  My pain is greater than I have ever experienced.  I've been dealt a death blow, I'm crushed.  But, I've found a few things.  I've found the depth of love my church family and friends have for me.  I've found, that I'm still alive, a feat in and of itself, but I am breathing, in and out, though labored by the incessant crying.  Oh these tears, how they burn.  My eyes, so puffy.  My stomach, in knots.  All these a reflection of the pieces my heart is in. 

It's a funny thing, really.  How this organ that circulates life has the capacity to ache, to feel heavy over the loss.  In case you didn't know I lost something, rather someone.  Someone who will have my heart in their hands forever.  But, I've found someone too.  I've found God.  Oh, I've always had Him.  He's always been here for me, and now, when I need love in my life, in my heart; when I need the joy that comes from being filled with the love of another, He is here.  He is in my heart.  He is in my every waking minute.  He is filling me, slowly, tenderly, efficiently.  He is loving me with a love that knows no other.  He is my Father, my Savior, my Redeemer, my Healer.  He is my everything.

He is someone who will never leave me nor forsake me.  I love Him.  I need to love Him.  My heart longs to love, it does still.  It loves.  It loves who it has loved all these years.  It won't stop, it can't.  I can't.  I love him.  I need him.  I want him. But, he has decided I'm not who he wants anymore.  I'm not who he wants to love anymore.  I'm not who he needs anymore.  But I have hope and faith.  I believe in the power of prayer.  I believe that my Redeemer will heal our hearts, mine of its breaking, and his too.  His is broken too.  I know it is.  My man, my love, my everything.  I love him.  Oh, how I love him.

I know in his heart of hearts he loves me too.  In there, where he has it hidden, love exists.  True love takes work, that is the nature of love.  The reminder that I am in love with him does no good.  He's already moved on.  Completely.  He doesn't tell me anymore the words that used to fill me with joy; those three beautiful words.  I.love.you.  They are gone, for him.  Not me.  I can't see past my pain to the future, the one he's already crafted without me.  He has too, sadly.  His future is filled with all the things that don't include me.  Mine, still has him in it.  I'm afraid I have lost.  Oh, but I've found too.

I've found that giving it all to God really does help.  It is my only constant; my conversations with Him.  The one who created me.  Me, this broken person.  This girl who loves a boy who doesn't love her anymore.   

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