Saturday, December 29, 2012

Getting Back To It

There's nothing quite like a broken heart to rip away your desire to do, well, everything.  Granted I've gotten through my days, and by that I mean I have woke up, shuffled through the motions, made an attempt at being human, and then gave into what little tear ravaged sleep my body would allow me to have.  It isn't that I don't have a desire to live each day, because really I do, I look at each one as a new opportunity to continue in my fervent prayer for a miracle.  I also have three beautiful daughters that require me to put forth my best and support them.  However, this gaping hubby sized void in my life is taking its toll.  But I still have my hope, my faith in the Lord, and my belief that all things work towards His good. 

I'm learning during this tragic time.  I shared a bit in my last post, the one where I finally shared the pain that has ravaged my life for the past 2+ months.  I've learned that when you truly give your life to the Lord, not just via lip service, but in all that you are and in all that you do, He will do amazing things with you and through you.  I've learned that I can be patient, kind, generous, soft-spoken, and forgiving.  I've learned that these aren't characteristics of weak people, not that I characterized people with these attributes as such, but that I never gave myself the opportunity to try to attain them myself thinking I'd not get to be me. The me everyone thinks I am.  I had to be the tough kid on the block.  I think it was more of a way to protect myself from getting hurt emotionally and mentally, but guess that didn't really work for me either! Yet - now, now I'm finding the real me.  The me that God made me to be.  And all truth be told, I really like the me He's creating.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm not a completed project.  In fact I probably never will be, none of us will.  God works in us and through us each day for the whole of our lives to make us into the people he wants us to be - all with our permission of course.  I pray I continue to give Him that right.  We have it you know; the right to tell Him yes or no.  It is called Free Will. 

Free Will.  I rally hate those two words.  It is those two words that cause people to change; sometimes for the good, and regretfully sometimes for the worse.  But, if there is one thing I have learned in my almost 35 years on this crazy sod, it is that we all have to get to THAT PLACE where we make the choices we make due to the choices we've made.  I've made certain choices over the years and one day, when the right one comes along, I'm going to share my story - the WHOLE of it.  But now isn't the time, God will reveal when that time is.  However, right now, right now there are a few chapters that are still being written, I can feel it.  Rather, I know it.

Besides the things I am learning about myself, I am also learning a few things about others.  I am learning how amazing my friends and family are - both the family which I was born into and my church family.  These people have been a beacon of strength for me.  These people have pulled up beside me and let me cry, for hours, on their shoulders, over the phone, in letters, and texts.  These people have allowed me to grieve and they've grieved with me.  These people have prayed for me and with me for the hand of God to work in all that is happening.  The great thing about that is God has promised that where two or more are gathered there He is.  Oh, Praises to our Lord and King! 

That's the thing about the Lord, He is in the prayer answering business.  He is especially in the business of answering those prayers which are aligned to His will.  Now, that said, He in all of His grace and power, will never trump a person's free will.  He will always let us decide for ourselves the choices we want to make.  Which is another reason why I really am not a fan of Free Will, but there are Bible stories made from Free Will.

Before this turns into a longer post than I was planning, I want to say, I'm here.  I'm still broken, but I am here.  My heart still longs for the one who has held all these years.  But I have a peace forming in me.  Oh, don't get me wrong I'm still hoping for that miracle, but should it not come in the way I see it, I know that God sees the picture through eyes I don't and I am trusting Him with my life.  I'm trusting Him to do the right thing with my heart.  After all, who better than the one who created it?!

Until next time lovelies...
M

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