Monday, March 5, 2012

Love Takes Trust

I have written about trust a few times before.  As most of you know, or at least those who have followed this blog for some time can attest, I have trust issues; deep, wide, insurmountable trust issues.  I grew up learning that the only person I could count on was myself.  It wasn't that there weren't grown-ups in my life, because there were, but let's just say I had to grow up really, really fast and in so doing had to count on myself.  This borne my total self reliance and trust in myself alone.  Now, don't think I haven't or hadn't tried to trust another, because I have and sadly failed so many times that it reaffirmed my concept of self trust.  I won't regale you will all the tales, but most assuredly I tell you that in all cases when I began to give my heart to another, to allow them to have some sense of control (the healthy kind) over me, they let me down.  I'm not talking a gentle situation where I could quickly brush my hands off on my pants leg and move on, no these were drops from stories high and landings that left me with scars deep and noticeable.  Therefore, I have learned that if there is anything in life worth having or getting then I was the only one who could take care of it.  Sad, but true.  However............

Fast forward to today.  After years of being conditioned to count only on myself I've realized that I am an empty person.  I have no love.  Sure, I have a husband and children, all of which I love dearly and would fall to pieces if I lost them, but trusting them, well, that is the problem.  I'm not so dense to know that that is a lot to put on a child and I don't, but my husband, well that is another thing altogether.  I want to trust him with my well being, with being the head of the household, of supporting us and caring for our every need, but honestly, I cannot.  I have to be that person.  I am the only one I can trust for all those things.  Or so I thought...

I have had a healthy dose of reality in the past week.  I love those types of life lessons (that's sarcasm).  They are the type that eat at you from the inside until you have let go enough to finally let God take control.  And by letting go enough, I really mean letting go altogether.  I also love how God uses seemingly random people to say the same thing in so many different ways that you are remiss to know it is He that is speaking.  And man, has He been speaking.  The topic, love.  The core issue, trust.  I have to trust in others in order to love them.  I have to trust in the Lord in order to love him.  It isn't enough to merely say the words, after all paying lip service never really got anyone anywhere.  It is meaning them (the words) and applying them that is the real challenge.  However, this is one of those things that I can't do on my own.  I have to have the power of the Spirit working in my life.  Why?  Well, frankly because I have 33 years of trusting only myself and it sure is hard to give that up.

Now, why all this, especially after yesterday's post?  Because I had a good day.  I can't take a lick of credit for it.  I have to give all that to the Lord.  You see, I prayed fervently this morning for His help and I trusted that He would provide it.  I prayed again during the day and continued to trust that he would.  Then at the end of the day I got affirmation from a coworker that I had succeeded and had showed true love (kindness, friendship, equality) to my peers.  I chose that moment to let him know that I had to give God the glory.  It wasn't me, no, I would have been more suited to handle the project myself, direct everyone to their locations, and control the day.  Instead, there was no one "I" in the team; we did it all together, through trust and love.

As I read my Bible tonight I knew that what I was reading was no coincidence.  I read only one chapter, Jeremiah 17.  It said enough for today.

"This is what the Lord says: Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord." -Jeremiah 17:5

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him."  -Jeremiah 17:7

"I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve."  -Jeremiah 17:10

"Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise."  -Jeremiah 17:14

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