Christmas is a really hard time of year for me. Oh, it hasn't always been hard, just in the recent past few years. For those who have followed this blog for any given amount of time, you know it was during the Thanksgiving/Christmas season that the ex-Mr. left. I won't sit here and tell you there hasn't been some happy Christmas memories since that time, there have, but, there are also many that make this time of year hard. I want to share straight off that this post will be raw - you don't have to read/finish beyond this point.
It is during the Christmas season that I find in my heart so much hurt, pain, and, yes, even anger. I want to tell you I can pinpoint it to one exact thing, and maybe if I look at it hard enough I really can. Christmas is supposed to be a time of celebration, a time to honor and remember the birth of our Savior. Yet, I have found that I cannot, especially at this time of year, put away all of the feelings I have about how Christmas is no longer Christmas - how the choices others made have impacted the memories I have and the potential for new ones to be made.
I know I am not the only person who struggles with this holiday and it would be completely naive of me to believe it so. However, despite this truth I cannot come to grips with the amount of turmoil inside of me. I want to be full of the joy, hope, and peace this season is reminiscent of, but with all this raw emotion building up inside of me I cannot seem to turn off the negative thoughts in my head in order to find it. (Gosh how I sound like the Grinch...) I pray constantly for the Lord to hear the pain, not the thoughts I have. I pray for the Lord to calm me so I will ont feel anger towards others and the situations involved. I pray for the Lord to take away the pain brought on by the blatant actions of others who claim to be "family". I even pray for those who are purposely hurting me and my fmaily. Yet, these - this - it is all. still. here. This ugliness inside of my heart.
You guys, I shouldn't say this, but - I hate Christmas. Really. I think I do. And no matter how hard I try to say and express (empty expression) how excited I am for the day and the time, I am not. No matter how many "perfect" gifts I get for others, how many Christmas carols I sing, Hallmark movies I watch, or strands of twinkle lights I hang, there is still that thing keeping me from enjoying the season. Oh, I don't want it to be so. I want to love Christmas. I want to enjoy the time and make the memories. I want it to be a day of blessing to all. I want it to be full of happy laughter. Instead it is not.
Oh, I'll go on through the day with a false smile, one that will have a twinkle that will not reach my eye. I will give the carefully selected gifts to those they were bought for, and not expect a thing in return. I will pray without ceasing for the day to to get over so I can work my way through the pain of it all. I will trust in the Lord to get me to the 26th physically unscathed. And finally, I will be grateful there is another years worth of days before next Christmas to work out all of the bitterness this holiday envokes.