I've been very lax in my writing to you, or perhaps it is better said, in writing to myself. Oh, yes, you are the reader, sure, but it is for my soul, my clarity, my health that I write. Oh, I don't mean for that to sound, well, mean, but it is true. It's been an eventful year. I'd like to say that it has been all rainbows and roses, but honestly it has been rife with clouds and thorns as well. But through those times, there has been growing and learning. I think that there is a lot to be said in that. Growth. I think there is a reason we "grow" as a child, so that when we are older we don't remember the growing pains that we had to endure to get where we are. Honestly, though, I think that growth as an adult is much, much harder. The things that are learnt are above and beyond that of anything taught in a school book. Real life doesn't have an answer book.
Speaking of books, I have a very particular pallet when it comes to what I read. I love (LOVE) Christian "self-help" books. I know that isn't what they are really referenced as, but they are the ones that take the lessons in God's Word and brings them to personal and life application. These are the books I have more of than any other kind. What can I say - I like to learn and grow. Yet, when I look at myself I seem to see a person who is wholly stagnant in their growth. Yes, I've endured much pain and heartache, but I have also not listened completely to all that I have been taught.
You see, I am really, REALLY good at hearing God tell me something, but I am NOT very good at LISTENING to Him! There is such an epic difference. If I were to list out the things he has spoke to me about and I listened and the things that he has spoke to me and I heard, well, I'm sure the obvious answer would jump off the page. I struggle. I have an honest to goodness problem that I think I am able to overcome, and can for some days at a time, then I fall. I fail. I do not have the strength to succeed for longer time than that. I hate it. I absolutely, positively hate that I can't conquer it. Then I remember, each time, that I am trying to win on my strength alone. Me. But it isn't a problem where I am strong enough.
All the growing pains that I have had. All the lessons that I have learned and I still fail. Because I need strength that does not come from me. I need the strength that comes from the Lord. I need the strength that only he can provide. I HAVE TO HAVE THIS! And if all the books I have read have taught me anything I also know that I cannot do it without the honest to goodness faith that the Lord alone will help me. That he is the strength enough that I need. He wants me to do this. He wants me to learn that He IS. HE IS!
Oh, how I need to head these words. I fear the outcome of not. It paralyzes me. And yet I am not strong enough.
Lord, please be my strength.