Monday, December 28, 2015

To Be Candid


Previously, as in just the last post, I told you about my insane love for Christian books that turn God's truths into practical application.  I think I may have also told you that I tend to read 3 to 4 of these types of books simultaneously.  I can't help it.  Perhaps it is the fear of actually finishing the book or it's the fact that I get caught up in a certain writer's prose that  I need the distraction of another's for the words to really sink in; and by distraction I simply  mean thought process.  I have so much that I want to write about.  Yet much of what I want to share I cannot - for fear.  Not fear that you random people will backlash, but fear that those I know will take my words and twist them so incoherently that the point will be lost in their interpretation of my thought.  Yes, this does weigh on me.

I want to be candid. I want to throw out the words, the feelings, and the struggles I am having.  I want to know I am not the only one in this position.  I want to know that there is balance and understanding and acceptance behind the knowing.  I simply want secureness and closure.  But, alas, we don't live in a world of absolutes.  No, we live in a world where you get the half-truths from others and the words they want to share to simply keep the peace.  It is sad, really.  It is sad that in a world where diversity is more commonplace than anything whole that people cling to the pieces more than the picture itself.

I know, I am speaking in riddles and vagueness, but it is truly wrapped in the bluntness of fact.  There is always that part of a person who remembers when and because of that refuses to accept the what if, most specifically when the now fully contains people that were never in the before.  I don't know if there are books out there for me to read, for me to find, to seek, and to learn the answers to my questions, but there has to be something.  There has to be because the struggle isn't worth all of the pain.  There shouldn't be this much tension.  Oh, I'm not certain of the quantitative value of the external tension, but the internal is enough to keep this writer medicated.

Where is the balance in the aloofness and the caring?  There is always a level of hurt for one when the other expresses an aloofness and yet, simultaneously it hurts to both care and not to.  Quite frustrating for sure.  I hope I haven't lost you with this random spewing of words, but I had to get them out.  They have been sitting here struggling for release and understanding.  There is an understanding I am certain.  There is a right answer with out a doubt.

One last thought that  has weighed heavily on my mind since I heard it.  During Christmas Eve service Pastor shared a story, a beautiful story (I love the Christmas Eve service so very much) and the last sentence read was that of a statement made by one of the characters in the story: "I am right where God wants me to be and that is a lot to live up to."

Oh, how heavy of a thought.

Blended families.  Step-parenting. 

Love, M

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