I've had a rough weekend. There are days that I feel great. Days where nothing gets me down. Then there are days like today, well, the last 3 actually, where I can not find an ounce of joy to save my life. Oh, I don't let others see this. I show them smiles and laughs and all of that, but inside there is nothing there. These are the days when I am completely full of pain and hurt and buckets full of tears that want nothing more than solitude so they can fall.
I was sitting here Saturday morning and I looked over at my littlest little and all I could do was cry. Here sits this beautiful little girl who never would be here if we didn't fight for our marriage and work through some of the ick. Every marriage has ick. Every relationship has ick. Each and every one of my littles is a reminder to me that at one time all of the ick was just small potatoes compared to honoring a commitment made before God. But, that was then, this is my reality now.
I'm sure I've shared this, but the ex-Mr. has a live in girlfriend. One who just recently quit her job and he takes care of her. He takes care of her. This is another thing he never did for me. Never. I always had the job. I always worked. He, well, that was an option for him, regardless of my feelings on it. I put myself through college to get a better job (I'm now paying the student loans), he didn't want to do anything more than put in his 40 hours and come home. Now, now he makes a significant amount more than what I make and has worked his way up to a very nice promotion. Now, she and her child get to have someone take care of them. While I get to continue to do what I have always done, take care of myself.
It isn't that I can't, because I can. Honestly, I am not the dependent type. I know how to live with what God has blessed me with. He is so faithful. He has provided for every need that my littles and I have. Notice I said need. Not, want. I am not one of those women that desires material things. I don't need flashy baubles or designer clothes. Sure, a thoughtful gift is always well received, but more than anything I just want to be loved. My whole life it is the one thing I have chased after emphatically. I'm learning that when I do this I wind up with something disguised as what I'm looking for, but never the real thing.
So, day 3 of crying and well, my tears are about the only thing I can count on in life right now. Besides God that is, and myself. I don't want to believe that He would rather I be single forever, but right now the facts are stacking up in that direction. Another case of "it is what it is."
I think the hardest thing is hearing others say that "this too shall pass", "give it to God", "be happy you have your kids". Really? I am happy I have them. The other two things just negate my feelings. Oh well, perhaps that is what I need. I need to turn off my feelings. Become a robot. Not feel. I think that would help in the short term anyhow. Then who knows, maybe in the long term it will have passed.
Until then I'll run. After all, it's the only true love I have.