Thursday, March 27, 2014

Her Tears

The tiny little drops break my heart.  Her tears fall warmly onto my shoulder.  I can do nothing but hold her and let her know how much mommy loves her.  My littlest little cries.  A lot.  As do most children,  but my little girl, she cries because she misses her daddy.  Today, while she cried, I cried too.  I used to hold them while they cried and tell them everything will be ok.  That we were going to be ok.  We are.  I know that, well someday.  Yet today I couldn't not cry.  I wanted to stay strong and mom-like for her, but the broken woman in me won.  She doesn't come out as much anymore, but she is there, under the surface as a constant reminder to what will never be.

And that, that is why I cried today.  My tears mixed with her tears.  When she told me she missed her daddy, I told her I did too.  I do.  I miss my family being my family.  I miss that we, together, won't be watching our Littles grow.  That because he wanted a different life it was ok to ruin ours.  One of these days I'm going to see no more tears fall from her eyes because of this.  It is my fear that it will be because apathy has grown where the hurt was planted.  I don't want her, or my other two girls for that matter, to think that marriage is a disposable thing.  That commitment and honor and trust are words spoken in movies and dreamed about in romance novels.

The littlest little has since dried her tears and run outside to blow bubbles.  She is my little who is the most organized and clever.  The one where her mouth overloads her backside.  The one who gives the sweetest hugs.  The one that still lets me be "mommy."  But my tears, they are falling faster and faster as more words are typed.  You see, I know the hurt.  I know it through and through.  I want to let her know that while it is ok to cry and be sad that it doesn't have to rule her day.  I want to show her that so badly.  Regrettably I still have that lesson to learn myself some days.

Perhaps we will just let today go.  Her with her tears and me with mine.  Tears are good.  They are necessary.  They are a true expression of something that is not right in your heart.  And for that the tears need to be shed.  I just hope that one day she can look back and see that her tears were not shed for naught, but were a part of her healing too.

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