There are times when you have a million things to say and yet not the words to do so. That is me - today. Rather, it is a manifestation of a long weekend worth of lots on my mind and numerous thoughts climbing over each other for prominence and the right to be uttered aloud. This happens to me frequently. In fact I usually find that they come more freely when I have the opportunity to type them out. Thus, I have something to say.
Someone that I care for, deeply, truly, honestly is hurting. The hurt was self induced and yet simultaneously thrust upon them. That type of hurt comes from not owning both sides of a story. There are ALWAYS two sides to every story. In fact, I looked back over some of my posts from 8+ months ago. Those posts where the pain and the heartache and the anguish were so unbearable I could do nothing else but understand it through my eyes. Today, or this whole weekend actually, I have come to the conclusion that through my hurt I didn't see the ex-Mr's point of view. Oh, come now ladies, let's be fair. True, I put my big girl panties on and never got scornful, mean, or vindictive. I never chose to play dirty. First, my children and their mental well being were more important to me than "winning" or "proving" something. Second, it just isn't in my nature to be that way. Last, I had to live with myself in the end. That, and I believed, and still do, that the Lord will exact a better judgement than I ever can. He's big like that you know. Just saying.
His point of view? The ex-Mr's, that is? I wasn't there. I wasn't who I should have been. We weren't working. There was brokenness. There were things that were missing. There always is. Every relationship has something. I'm human. He is human. People...we are human! We cannot be perfect. We cannot make others perfect. We are NOT capable. Only one person is. One. The ONLY one. And, quite honestly he is waiting for me to seek His direction again. I digress. When we try to demand others to make us whole and perfect, whether we do this consciously or not, brokenness becomes the outcome. We have to, at all times, take ownership of who we are and what we do. Even when that inward view is epically ugly. Do not deny yourself this truth. Do not point a finger and say, "yeah, but." OWN IT! I did. I had a hand in our divorce. I'm a broken person. I am human. I expected from him what was not feasible. In the end, well, frankly it ended.
And it is ok to admit that. It is ok to stand tall and be honest with yourself. You don't have to be right all the time. It is ok when things don't work in the sing-song manner that we envision them. Yeah, I know, it really stinks. It hurts. It tears at the very fiber of your being. I'm still sewing parts of mine back together. Regrettably, I stopped letting the master Seamster help. I need to work on that. He wants to, you know. He wants to sew us all back together. And if I'm being completely honest with myself there is more that needs to be fixed. There always is with us. We are a broken lot. And that is the truth of it.
My friend. This person that I care about and love. The one that is in pain and hurting. I know that the other person(s) involved are too. Know and understand that there are two sides to every story. Know that it is ok to own your side while acknowledging the other. No one walks on water. Only one has, another tried, but failed when he took his eyes off the one who could. My point to all of this is this - don't lash out. Don't become that person. Don't destroy more than can be rebuilt and in your wake don't leave a sour taste in others' mouths. The end will always justify the means. Stand vigilant and strong. Carry strength with dignity, not with cowardice. Fighting dirty always makes a loser of everyone. Be someone you can be proud of. Write your story your way. Write it with strength and courage and honor. And in the process give the other person the same right.
Of course, these words, they are with out a doubt, only my perspective. My lessons learned. My view of a story that has two sides. My understanding only thru the story that I personally lived. But the best thing about lessons learned, the perspective typically comes from hindsight. And that has been proven to be 20/20. Well, in so many words that is.