Saturday, June 22, 2013

Closure

There's a lot to be said for gaining closure on something.  I know most people believe life can finally be lived when this occurs.  I'm not here to say if they are right or wrong, but one thing I do know, is that closure doesn't always come at the time you think it should.  Wednesday was the last mandated bit the county judges required of the ex-Mr. and I and the day all the last slips of paper were signed and ink dried.  Wednesday.  Three days ago.  Eight whole months after this journey began.  I should have closure now, right?  I should be elated, footloose and fancy-free.  Actually, perhaps, just a little, but not because of this, not because of divorce.  There, I said it.  I uttered the word I haven't allowed myself to use - boldly and outwardly with conviction and force.  I'm divorced.  My family dynamic has officially been changed. I now join the ranks of many other women out there who will carry-on and grow babies all by themselves.  I am strong, determined, capable, and quite able to do this.  For this fact I have complete closure.  I'm a darn good mom. 

However, there is one thing I'm still epically struggling with.  A seemingly minor detail that nags at the back of my mind like the sound of a distant car alarm that no one will shut off.  This detail?   This nagging thought?  What part of me was so wrong that I couldn't fix it?  Can it be fixed?  Oh, I know that this leaving he did wasn't my fault, per say, but gaining closure on that, well, I'm sure the day will come.  And I want it to come on its own accord.  It will, one day.  Hopefully soon.  Like now.  Yet I wonder.  Is this a thing that can be dropped, let go of as easily as a helium filled balloon never to be seen again?  Or is this something deeper, more profound that will quite possible take weeks, months, and I shudder to think  years to overcome?   

That's the problem when changing the dynamics of something.  There will be times when you win and times when you lose.  Times when you grow and times when you fall back.  I'm looking forward to the winning and the growing.  But I know that you can't win until you understand loss and you can't grow until you have learned what falling has to teach. 

So here's to the joy in finding closure.  The value in the release of control it actually has.  And beginning again for the last time. 

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