Friday, February 10, 2012

So NOT Content

For any that have read this blog a time or two, you know that I have a way about my writing.  There are days I am funny, days I am thoughtful, days I am inquisitive, and yes, even days I am down.  Despite all of these feelings I try, in the very least, to show some contentment for how I feel.  I look at the other guy and say to myself, or sometimes to you, "hey,  you know what, you do have it worse, and for that I am content with myself." This isn't because I am gloriously laughing at their discomfort or misfortune, but that my cross, at that time, isn't, by perception, as heavy of one to carry.  Then, and only then, can I be thankful for the life I have and be comfortable in the contentment of it all.

However, today isn't one of those days.  No, in fact, today is one of those days that I want to reach into the computer and throttle all the happy bloggers, wring the necks of those who have nothing but happy dancing mushrooms and swinging monkey-esque facebook posts, and yell at the top of my lungs that I, me and no one else, am having a lousy day.  But my lousy day actually started out with a horrible week, which was preceded by a terrible month.  It isn't that there haven't been some good moments, because truthfully there have been.  Sadly, it is the culmination of all those little things that has me in the spot I am at now. 

Here is the thing - I want to be comforted.  I want to matter.  I want to be sad, and in all of these feelings I want it to be absolutely ok to feel this way.  I want to have someone with whom I can share what's wrong and I want them to hold me and rock me and tell me that it is all going to be ok. I want to close my eyes and see my dreams come true and to open my eyes and witness the answer to my prayers.  Then I remember, as I am sitting here, that I can't have all of this, because I haven't given my end to all of it.  I haven't done my part to ensure my dreams come true and that my prayers will be answered.  I haven't been a person someone else comes to to share their heartaches and joys with.  Why?  The answer is because of me, who I am. 

So, in the end, I will continue to keep perspective in all things because I do have a life worth living, contentedly.

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