Friday, October 21, 2016

Today Just Was

I know life is about change.  I also know that life is going to be wrought with ups and downs, victories and defeats, joy and sadness, and so on.  I know, too, how we think plays a huge role in the outcome of each day. You see, today I could tell was going to be a rough day.  You know, one of those days where you wake up and you just "feel" it?!  That is when it happened.  Instead of thanking the Lord for giving me another day, I woke up, looked at myself, and felt instant disgust.  This feeling trailed me out the door and into the van.  Then at Starbucks this morning they messed up my drink, seriously who on earth forgets the double shot of espresso?  Sadly I didn't catch it until I was already on the interstate and took a big swig of my caramel flavored frothed milk...YUMMO...NOT!  But that wasn't even the clincher.  Here I was, finally going to get to work BEFORE 8 am and no...that coffee-less drink I just mentioned...took them over 15 minutes to make and I sadly arrived at my normal time.  This, of course, left me with feelings of failure.  But wait, there is more!  No, really, there is.  I started talking to the Mr. through text, and you know when you are having a conversation with someone and it is most definitely one-sided?  How can one tell?  Well, your multiple sentence texts are replied to with a single word and there is no sharing from the other side.  And this was the final blow, the one that left me feeling unimportant, unloved, unnecessary, and forgotten. 

So, naturally I did what any sane woman would do, I buried myself in my work.  But wait, I'm only three weeks into this gig and there isn't much I can bury myself in - I. AM. STILL. LEARNING!  Oh, the things that can take a day and turn it on its end.  To add the final insult to this injury laden day, I flitted around on Facebook, you know that place where people ONLY post their highlights?  Heaven's I couldn't even find a good political debate to throw myself into.  Instead, I got to see all these fun, loving, caring, things others were doing, how they were being treated by the ones they love, how they had someone to show them attention, how their dreams were coming true, etc. Yep, I did!  Just yesterday, I chose to praise instead of pout...see...human-ness! Right. Here.  All of it.  In two paragraphs.  Sigh...feelings and guck.  But it came to a screeching halt.  Here's why.

Without sharing the personal details, one of the people I love most in this world, and outside of family have actually known the longest in my entire life, experienced something today.  Something that made all the petty little things I felt the right to fixate on fall to the wayside.  She had such an epic level of hurt and pain and sadness present itself and all I could do was cry. So I did.  I cried for her.  And her family.  I expressed my sincere condolences and offered up my words of prayer and then left the conversation at that.  Does something with this much pain have an end?  We aren't to dwell and I didn't want to.  For her sake, but here I am and all I really want to do is call her and cry with her some more.  I want to question God even when I know the answers.  In a situation like this, how do you show love to them without overstepping your place?  And that is it. My friend needs love and prayers and comfort and I'm a 17-hour car ride from her.

And there you have it.  Today. Just. Was.

- M

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