Sunday, February 14, 2016

In Over My Head

Have you ever had a moment, or two, where you felt that you were in over your head?  I won't lie to you, these past few months have felt like that to me.  I should back up a pace or two.  I jumped in feet first in to a full time graduate study program.  Me, a wife and mom of 5 (3 daughters & 2 step-sons), full time(+) employee, and mediocre friend.  (I give it that moniker these days because I think my relationships are falling apart because I'm unable to give more of myself.  I fear I will lose them on this journey, and yet pray they are still there for me when I finally cross that finish line.)  Anyway, my point:  I'm in over my head.

Now, I will never sit here and tell you that everything you want in life should be easy, or come easy, or EVER, EVER be given to you.  No, I'm a firm believer in earning what you have, in devoting the necessary time and passion towards goal achievement.  Gosh...I just spat that out like a paper.  Which, I should be writing right this minute about Anti-Trust laws, but my head is so horribly full of information that it can't sort the bits from the pieces and the words from the points.  Yeah, that is an epic level of bad. 

But it does bring me to the reason for this post.  People, more than anything in this whole world (career wise) all I have ever wanted was to become a teacher.  I love taking concepts that are hard for some and breaking them down into usable and retainable information.  I love the look on someone's face, or the excitement in their voice when the idea that was once so insurmountable becomes understandable.  Yet, I fear failure.  I feel that I won't write something correctly, research something thoroughly or properly enough, and my honest intentions will become a pile of rubbish on paper. 

I know what this degree means.  It means the difference between an opportunity to apply for  a professorship and not.  It means a step towards doing what my heart longs to do and continuing on in the field of work I am currently in.  (Which I do love.)  I can tell myself that I am capable, that I am smart enough, that I will graduate, but what I am afraid of is still never getting to teach.  It is this thought that occupies my thoughts and causes me to struggle with my course work and ultimately feel like I am in over my head.

Oh, I know, it's as easy as saying: "well don't do that," "give it to God," "just take it a day at a time," so on and so forth, but it truly isn't that easy. 

Oh well, time to get back to this paper and give it what I've got. 

No comments:

Post a Comment