I did something brave yesterday. Well, actually it started a few days before that. And actually it isn't all that brave. A big step, yes. Brave, no. What did I do? I filled out my application, submitted my essay, and got 3 recommendations for Grad School. I am equal parts excited and petrified. I haven't heard back from them yet. I am taking this solely as a sign that my essay is in a big pile on a desk and hasn't been reached in queue; not that it has been rejected and the letter hasn't found its way to my mailbox yet. Ok, I may be exaggerating a wee bit, it has been less than 24 hours and I'm quite certain these things take longer than that!
In the meantime I have spent so much time wondering why I did this. Then telling myself that I did it for all of the right reasons. I read one of my devotionals today and wouldn't you know it had something to do along these lines. Now, I'd like to tell you that it affirmed my decision, but in all actuality it did not. In fact, it made me think that perhaps maybe I jumped the gun just a little to much. Maybe I didn't pray hard enough, long enough, specific enough. Maybe I was relying solely on the emotions of obtaining another piece of paper that would allow me to pursue my childhood dream. Maybe this is not the path God had for me and in my humanness I chose to make the path myself and I will fail epically.
That can happen, you know. You can make all the plans you want in the world, but if they do not align with the will of the Lord then they will just die, miserably, and sometimes painfully at your feet. In those moments you will inevitably learn something. I think also, there is a lot that we take and mix up. Ok, there is a lot that I take and mix up in my head. I think I am paralyzed by fear. Broken down and bent and incapacitated by fear. Fear is what makes me question absolutely every choice that I make, yes even the ones that I know I have prayed through. Is this one of them? I cannot say.
However, one thing that I do know and I know we have been taught this in many Bible study lessons and a few sermons, the Bible is the guide book. It holds all the answers, but it will not hold the specific answers. Let me explain that before some of you question my sanity. If I were to pray about getting a new car the Bible isn't going to tell me yes or no. It isn't going to tell me if I should get a blue one versus a red one, one with or without the leather package and extra options. No, what it is going to tell me is that my money is God's money. That he gave to me selflessly and that I am a steward of it. That all he is asking for is a tithe and the rest is for me to manage, smartly. (That is example is one of many, by the way.)
And that is the thing. Should I go to school or should I continue where I am. Should I proceed to fulfill the dream I have had since I was a little girl or should I work where I am and grow where I am? I cannot say. However, one thing I know is that my Lord gave me gifts, in fact he gave all of his children gifts (and I'm not speaking of the gift of eternal life here). My spiritual gifts are teaching and knowledge. And before I knew about spiritual gifts, and Jesus, and forgiveness, and salvation, and works and deeds, and grace and mercy - I knew I wanted to be a teacher. In my heart of hearts it is the one of the most noblest professions I can think of and it is my lifelong dream.
So, with that I took the plunge. I took the step of faith that this is the path and road I am to be on at this time. Will it lead to where I want it to go? I cannot say. Will it lead to where the Lord wants it to go? I surely hope so! Will they both be the same destination? Well, only the Lord controls that.