Let's get a little deep, shall we? This past Sunday, guess that was just yesterday, we had a wonderful service at church. First there was the Sunday School lesson. I'm not going to lie to you, I absolutely LOVE my Sunday School. I don't know if it is the lessons we learn, the conversation, or all of the people in my class. Honestly, I think it is all, because all those things together have grown us all together. I truly find myself without words when I think of the blessing this class has been to my life. However, that isn't the point to this, well, mostly.
You see, I have a very bitter heart from time to time. My heart will think the worst of people. It will fabricate the meanest of thoughts and unspoken words. My heart scares me sometimes. I'm quite certain from this utterance you have all counted me as being a vile person and are now forming labels to put on me. That's ok if you are, this is something that is coming from your heart, something deep inside of you. Don't worry, when you take the opportunity you'll see that you too have a spot or two or three that are just as concerning. I'll not judge, it isn't my place. After all, I am here sharing mine.
In my heart I want to hate, and be jealous, and wish bad endings on people, and curse people out to the Nth degree, and well, just basically let them know exactly what I think and feel. Oh my goodness, if I uttered as many words as I thought. For instance, in my heart, I've let a certain someone know exactly what I thought of their parenting style, I've let another certain someone know what I thought of the way they control other people, in yet another I've let someone know how I thought they were quite simply incapable of living a life of their own. Yes, in my heart I can be quite something.
Yet, each time I get to this point. This point where I want to scream all of these uglies aloud and be certain these certain someones know it is them I am speaking to, I stop myself. And I pray. I pray. I pray to the Lord, my God, to forgive my thoughts. To keep my tongue bound, to keep these thoughts close and allow them to dissipate somewhere between my mind and His love. You see, God, He already knows the words I've thought and the person I've thought them about, but more importantly He knows my heart - through and through. He knows where I struggle and where I soar. He knows where I am weak and where I am strong. He also knows, that I know, I am nothing without Him. THE EXACT PLACE I WANT TO BE.
This brings me to the point. This past Sunday, we finished a 5 part message series on Prayer. The importance of prayer, what prayer really is and isn't, what to do while we are waiting for the Lord to answer our prayers, how to pray as the Lord prays, etc. But the thing that I walked away with touching my heart the most is this:
Before the message even began, during prayer/open alter time, I went to kneel before my God and asked Him this - open the eyes of my heart, soften my heart, help me to pray better, more earnestly, to seek His ways, and to be the woman He wants me to be. I asked Him to help me be closer to Him. You know what He told me? He told me some several minutes later in the form of the message and the time spent in His word that prayer is nothing more than a verbal one-on-one with Him. That my relationship with Him is only as strong as our conversations, that for my heart to become more aligned with His I need to spend more time talking with Him.
And from this I got - I'm not doing so bad. I'm giving Him my thoughts. I am letting Him squash them before they are uttered, but I want to go deeper than that. I want Him to eradicate them before they even form. You know the best part of that? I absolutely, positively know that he will. Why? Because My God is power, and glory, and might. My God is sovereign, and just, and loving, and right. My God is personal, and here for me. My God He is.
Keep praying my dear readers. Do not give up on the power of prayer, most especially when you are at your wits end and are beyond ready to throw in that towel. God will ALWAYS be there for you. No mater what.