Sunday, April 6, 2014

Torn

I have something that I am completely torn over.  Two things, if you will, that I love for two completely different reasons.  Neither of them altogether bad for me; in fact, if I had to really drill it down they are both completely good for me.  I find that I long for both and actually feel upset and sad when I can't have them - both.  Church. Two churches.

I have been attending my church for years, since late fall of 2001, actually. And this new one, well, for the better part of 3 months.  Why the new one?  The man that I am dating, yes, people I am dating someone, but I will save that journey for another post, has his own home church.  He has joined me at mine off and on for a little while, about 6 months.  This is something that I really love about him, he goes to church.  Then he asked me to come to his.  So I did. 

It is possible to attend both each week.  Mine on Wednesday evenings and Sunday mornings, his on Saturday nights.  My church is a quaint little church, homey and full of love.  Filled to the roof with people who are part of families that have been attending that church for generation after generation.  A church of people with a loving and giving heart, lead by a team of Pastors that exude the love of Christ.  My church is soft and sweet and warm. (No it isn't a fresh baked chocolate chip cookie!) It is highly traditional and very old school.  His church, his church is rather large, so big in fact they have three services each week for all of the members - one on Saturday night and two on Sunday morning.  This is great for me! His church is very modern, both in appearance and delivery.  It is a church that pulls you in by the way it looks and keeps you there by what it offers.  It is the antithesis of traditional and old school, but make no mistake on what it is there for - doing God's work.

Some might say that a house divided will never stand, but is this really a house divided (metaphorically speaking)?  I go to two different churches each week.  I worship the Lord more.  I learn more.  I hear more of His good word.  Last night I heard a message on a partial of scripture that I've heard my Pastor preach on in the past.  I tried digging into the memory banks for the way he explained it and came up blank, as I am sure this one will too some day as I file it into the recesses of my brain as well.  I just know that it moved me to tears.

That brings me to the real reason for this post.  More, more, and yet still more.  Yes I am getting more, but it is what I am giving that is the same.  (I'm not talking about tithe and offering.)  Both get my time - as a person in the pew or folding chair, depending on which church I am at. I have always wanted to DO something for the Lord.  My heart has a passion for Women's ministry, but I don't have one.  I have me, wanting to do something and no place to do it.  I've had opportunity and have asked a couple times, but alas due to circumstances and choices I have been shot down, closed down, and flat out been told no.  So here I sit, longing for the Lord to use me in some way and find that I am merely a broken vessel that has no use.  I have a purpose and function, at least if I know the way my heart feels and what I believe God wants me to do, yet I am unusable because I have no place.

I'm not desiring to lead a revolution. I don't find myself to be even close to the same caliber as Beth Moore, Joyce Meyers, or any of those other ladies that millions of women follow.  I simply want to do what I think God has called me to do.  But I am torn. Torn between the comfortable where I have no place and the new where I have no place.  I fear the answer is in learning more.  So, I'll wait on God. I'll let him continue to direct my path.  After all, he knows my heart, my present, and my future.  He knows more than any man on this Earth what my purpose is and where I need to be and where I need to go.  He did, after all, create me.

No comments:

Post a Comment