I've come to realize something over the past several months. Oh, who am I kidding, its been over a year. A WHOLE STINKING YEAR! What is it you ask? God's timing. His timing is quite simply in no way WHATSOEVER the same as ours. He could care less about the clock, the calendar, the sun dial, and any other means we mortals have in keeping track of time. After all, it is something that he invented only for us to have a relative spans to base things off of. We, having a finite view of life, live and die by the passing of time. I'm here.
Last night I had a very deep conversation with someone that means the world to me. I'd like to believe the feeling is mutual, but in either way this person has a place in my heart that no other can hold. My problem, as of late, is timing. I have fallen prey to the heartache that consumes because time has not been on my side. I've fallen prey to the jealousy that eats away at my soul because I do not have what my friends have. Yes, people - I am this person. I admit it, regrettably, with my head hung low.
I want forever. I want to wake up knowing that I am the future Mrs. So-and-so. I want to know that I am special enough that someone wants to spend the rest of their life with me. I want to know that I am someone that another thinks of and cares about and loves. I see my friends, the ones my age who have been married 10, 15+ years and, although I am happy that they were able to get it right the first time, I am so sad that I was not. Not only could I not get it right the first time, I couldn't even get it right the second time.
Then I think of all the memories they get to make as a family. Memories that I don't get to have as a family. I have to make them solo with my girls and our dog. I think about the nights they never have to spend alone, that they have someone to hold them and reassure them that it is all going to be ok. I think about the fact they have someone to share every thought and feeling with and I have you people and my journals. And God. I think about the laughter and joy and the comfort that co-parenting brings them. I have myself to rely on and hope that I am doing a good enough job to raise 3 girls in this society. It's hard to raise girls. On top of that I have to raise them to know what a good man is. I'm still learning this myself.
Then I think of all the advice that I have been given. The wait on the Lord advice. You know, for those who have what they have always wanted, relationship wise, this is so easy for them to say. After all, they are NOT in my position. And, if they ever were it was WAY before kids and careers and mortgages and all the grown-up stuff that life throws at you. But, wait on the Lord they continue to say. Wait. God's timing. His timing is perfect. I know that. In fact, I believe that yet I am mortal. I am getting older. I want to enjoy my life and His time doesn't care about my time. Yes, to those who don't understand, I am quite sure this sounds selfish.
Last night, while relaying this, my friend told me that I should relate this to when I tell my girls to wait. In fact, just the other night they wanted ice cream really, really bad. I told them they needed to wait until a certain time before they could have it. Once that particular time came to be I was in the middle of doing something else and asked them to wait. It seemed like every 30 seconds they were asking if they could have ice cream. Over and over and over again I asked them to wait a few more minutes. It got to the point where I was exhausted from telling them to wait. I understood. After all a minute to a child feels like an eternity.
Then, my friend reminded me that an eternity to me feels like a minute to God. That He is only asking me to wait. It isn't that He wants me to wait because He is too busy, but that He is changing me. He is growing me. He is transforming me into someone that a future someone will actually want. I'm trying to work through that. Today. Today I am a mess. I am spiritually and emotionally in a million pieces because the waiting means that I am not yet who I need to be for another. That, still, to this day, I'm not good enough. That I have a lot yet to change and fix before another person will find me valuable. That before another will want to spend the rest of their life with me I have a lot about me that has to change. The person I am now is not who another wants.
I long for the day when I will be there. When my time and God's time will meet and I will be the right woman for that man. I long for the moment when that person that gets to be my forever someone becomes so. I long for the time when God finally says, "yes, Mandy, he is the one and now is the time because you've finally become who you are supposed to be." I long for God's timing.