She searched and searched and searched and still she couldn't find him.
"Where could he be, Lord?" She asked. "Does he even exist?"
These are the questions that plague her, morning and night. She is consumed by them really. She longs to find that person who is to be her forever someone. She reads everything she can, listens to everyone around her, and yet she feels no closer to the answer than when she started.
"Give it time and wait for the Lord." her friends say.
"Become an A+ kind of woman." her pastor says.
"You don't need anyone but yourself." her coworker says.
"Just go out and have fun." others say.
Still the tears soak her pillow daily. Still the loneliness of her circumstance overwhelms her logical thought. Still she longs to have that thing that was stolen from her. Still she is no closer to the healing her heart needs. She is broken on the inside. Millions of little pieces that do not even know how to begin putting themselves back together. Fear of never getting to have the opportunity to share life with another debilitates her. Knowing that forever isn't in everyone she meets doesn't ease the pain, because there is the uncertainty that there even a man out there for her.
"Faith and trust are what you need." she read and heard in the past 12 hours. Faith that your heart's desires are heard and trust that the Lord knows what he is doing.
It isn't that, or is it? Does she truly trust the Lord in this area? Does she even know what it would look like if the Lord brought it into her life?
"It shouldn't feel like work. It shouldn't have struggle and pain and frustration. If it was meant to be the details wouldn't break you." she heard today in an inspirational video.
And that is where she is at. Lost in the details. Focusing on the fact that there is pain and strife and longing and wishing and hoping and chasing. Knowing that second place is the only spot she will ever have and first place isn't reserved for Jesus alone where she is. She needs to step aside and to let it go. She needs to release the expectation and want for a future with this person who quite simply cannot give her the one she wants.
So she is back to the searching. The looking and the hoping. The bawling and the emptiness. She is back to wondering why she isn't good enough, loved enough, perfect enough, wanted enough. She is back to thinking is life on this earth even worth it, because her broken heart hurts to much to go on one more day.
Why? Will there ever be someone out there to love me? The way that I need to be loved?