I Read Too Much

I've come to a conclusion, one based on lack of sleep and several hours of crying.  Yes, I am still doing that.  It's ok.  I'm ok with it.  There is no timeline to this process.  There is no right or wrong.  There is no mold to fit into when it comes to grieving a divorce.  Each person, each breakup, and definitely each situation, is different.  I still cry.  I still get overly emotional and downright inconsolable. Anyhow, back to my conclusion.  One that didn't really dawn on me until I was replying to someone that means a lot to me. You see, last night, I was a mess.  I was reminded, yet again, just exactly how disposable I was.  It was thrown into my face with such vehemence that I was literally left speechless by the words that were said to me by the ex-Mr.  He fought for his new girlfriend.  He defended her and all but screamed, in so many words, that he loved her.  That is where I lost it. Ther...

I've read recently that God gives us the parents that we need.  I know that we are not supposed to question His authority, but really?  Just what was He thinking?  I won't sit here and rehash all the eww that I had to grow up with.  All the pain, heartache, blah, blah, blah that it was.  I mean, we are as adults, a product of our upbringing regardless of how we changed.  Yes, this means we could have grown up in a very strict, Christian home and become complete crazed partying lunatics or we could have grown up in a home with parents that were never there and vowed to become the most attentive parents to our own children that we could.  Like I said, in one way or another we are all a product of our upbringing. However, in order for God to give us the parents that we need, He has to give them the children that they need.  Yeah, it kind of works that way!  Here I sit reflecting on that very thing.  You see, for as long as I can remember ...

I know this is the title of some movie Hollywood wasted money to create.  Chances are it may even be somewhat decent.  I didn't watch it.  It isn't my cup of tea.  Honestly, I can't even tell you what it is about and that really isn't the point.  I will spare you the science lesson of how a butterfly comes into being.  We all, for the most part, can remember that from Kindergarten.  It is more the philosophical premise of the butterfly that has the wheels in my head spinning tonight. You see, I stumbled upon a quote today that was simple yet profound.  The summer after my littlest Little was born we took them all on a vacation to Chicago.  One of the places we went was the Brookfield Zoo.  That particular year they had a butterfly house exhibit.  It was absolutely beautiful.  Hundreds, perhaps even thousands, of butterflies flitting around from plant to plant, person to person, just being.  These delica...

(I started this post on 02.13.2014) Tomorrow is Valentine's Day.  The day when people who are in love, have a true love, or have someone who thinks about them, receive sweet little gifts as a token of that affection.  This time last year I was packing. Not for me.  For him.  He moved out, completely, the day after Valentine's last year.  It's been a whole year of being just me and my girls.  A whole year where I have prayed and prayed and prayed some more for a love of my own. Here's the thing about love.  It lies.  Let me explain.  Love in the way that we understand it, lies.  Most of us view love as a feeling. We "feel"  in love . And we have all bought into the idea that if we aren't "feeling" it then it doesn't exist.  In fact, Valentine's Day is a materialistic manifestation of  that kind love.  It is a day that advertisers have concocted to make us think that just maybe there is a day...

I've come to realize something over the past several months.  Oh, who am I kidding, its been over a year.  A WHOLE STINKING YEAR! What is it you ask?  God's timing.  His timing is quite simply in no way WHATSOEVER the same as ours.  He could care less about the clock, the calendar, the sun dial, and any other means we mortals have in keeping track of time.  After all, it is something that he invented only for us to have a relative spans to base things off of.  We, having a finite view of life, live and die by the passing of time.  I'm here. Last night I had a very deep conversation with someone that means the world to me.  I'd like to believe the feeling is mutual, but in either way this person has a place in my heart that no other can hold. My problem, as of late, is timing.  I have fallen prey to the heartache that consumes because time has not been on my side.  I've fallen prey to the jealousy that eats away at my soul bec...

It started in November of 2012.  I couldn't eat.  I mean, my world had been upended.  The Mr. had walked away.  I didn't notice it at first.  Those first few pounds rarely are noticed, most especially when you are 80 pounds overweight.  (According to the BMI chart that is.)  By Thanksgiving of that year I noticed that my clothes were fitting just a bit looser. Then I thought, why not?  Why not start exercising? At first I did it for all the wrong reasons.  I thought what if I could loose weight, that would make him change his mind, right?  No.  It didn't.  But I didn't stop trying.  Work out after work out I spent thinking I could win him back by changing the way I look.  I mean that was a reason he ran away in the first place.  Come New Year's I had lost 22 pounds.  Yes, all because of my situation. In the end it didn't work, but my desire to stay in shape had been formed.  I started to run....

I'm going to be up front here, people are going to get mightily fed-up with hearing about my marathon.  Me, I can't wait.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm scared senseless.  I mean, the farthest I have ever ran at a given time is just shy of 18 miles.  This is 26.2!  YIKES!  That is a LOT of ground to cover at once.  I have a few goals for myself.  I am not sure if they are considered aggressive or not because I've not ran a race like this before. Regardless, my goals are below: 1) It is important to know that I am not qualifying for Boston.  I do not have a desire to qualify for Boston.  In fact, my biggest goal is to finish the race in an upright position!  So, that is goal number one; to cross the finish line with my own strength. 2) When I ran my first half I kind of had this lofty goal.  Then I was "educated" by others who have ran them before and I kind of adjusted my goal.  Let's just say I learned a lot on tha...