Pray, then Listen
I've always been amazed by those who hear the Lord speak to them and they fully know it is Him. I used to long in ways I never understood to have that same thing happen to me. Oh, hear me on this, it wasn't that He wasn't speaking, rather it was I who wasn't hearing.
There's Speaking.
Then there's Hearing.
But both require Listening.
Oh, not only to have ears that hear but a heart that listens.
A few weeks ago, while doing my morning devotions, I felt the Lord nudging me. Wait, I need to back up a bit. I love learning. Honestly, more than I love teaching and you all know, well at least those of you who have read this blog for any length of time, how much I love to teach. I digress. For the last six months or so I had been doing in-depth Bible studies. Not your run of the mill read and fill in the blank ones, no these were dig-your-heals-in, read the text, learn the original Greek/Hebrew, draw parallels, and expose the very fiber of your soul studies. Yes. That deep.
I cried copious tears. I wrote thousands of words. I filled page, after page, after page with love, laughter, and pain. I found grace, acceptance, peace, and a God who just doesn't stop pursuing. Then there was the unexpected. The downright unfathomable. The thing of all things I didn't think I'd ever find.
Myself.
The person who I pushed and squished and hid because I thought I needed to be something, someone else. Don't get me wrong on this. Yes, I did yell at the Lord a time or two. I even started a few of our conversations with, "yeah, but". Oh, He'd hear me. He'd even listen to my words. Yet He never gave up on the speaking. I rather imagine He got hoarse a time or two. Or a few times more than that.
What did it take for me to finally listen? Oh, I had to give up what I thought my life should look like. Right?! As if it should have always been that easy. Yet, the teacher in me knows that the best lessons are learned in the hardest ways. And some of us (ahem - me) are slower learners than others. Just saying.
I've prayed the same prayers for years. Deep prayers. Words upon words upon words that I didn't think were being heard. Only it wasn't Him not listening. It was me desiring my answer to be what was spoken. We have an uncanny way of doing that. Some of us let go sooner than others. Like me. I held onto my ideas, thinking they were what I needed in order to be who it was I was destined to be. Funny thing was, I never became her. Sure, sometimes she'd pop up, but other times, well, you know.
Many of those prayers will be left unshared. However, there are two that I believe will put this post into perspective.
First. My desire to be a good mom. Not just being a mother, but to be a good mom. A mom whose children want to be with her - can't wait to text, call, or come home to talk to. I want to be the mom who supports her children, goes to as many events as I humanly can, enocurages them to pursue their dreams and does what I can to make that happen, but most importantly lets her children know, without a shadow of a doubt they are loved and always wanted. I want to be the mom whose children know she loves the Lord and clings to Him for everything and teaches them to do the same. Because He loves so much more than I ever could.
You may think that is a funny prayer. After all, isn't that what all moms do? Oh, but that voice in my head told me, and still at times tells me I am anything but that mom. Yet, God knows. And when I focus on Him - He is telling me I AM that mom. For the children He's given to me - by birth or not.
Second. My desire to be a teacher. Oh, the countless years I've cried buckets full of tears over this. Yes, even before the honor of becoming a mom. Teaching has been ingrained in me since birth I believe. Sure other persuits pushed the possibility and life had its way with me as well, but in the back of my mind and rooted in my heart has always laid this desire.
I chased it with all that I was for a while. Thinking it was the one thing that would help me be who He said I was. Oh, but it was honestly who I was telling Him I was. As I waivered in and out of the possibility over the last couple years I clung to my abilities, my knowledge, my understanding, well, myself. Sure, I begged and pleaded with Him. We all know how that ends up.
So what does all this have to do with my Bible studies? I recently finished a couple (yes, I do more than one at a time - call it what you will) and purchased a few more to begin. Yet, the desire wasn't there. I forced it for a couple days before I put it away and just opened my Bible. That first day in prayer (mind you, at this point I had relinquishsed all desires to be a teacher and come full circle to knowing being a mom and a wife IS who I am. And honestly, I really like her.) blew my socks off.
In a crystal clear way God put something firm on my heart. I was blown away. Me, Lord? Really? Me? "Yes." Naturally, I didn't react straight away. But it wouldn't go away. He pressed it on my heart even more. Ever so much harder. What was there to do but tell Him if it is who He wants me to be and do, then by golly, He was going to have to put it on my husband's heart as well. Don't you just love my braizen boldness?! Who doesn't tell God what to do?!
Yes, I fully realize the absurdity of my demand. I told my husband that the Lord had put something on my heart but I couldn't tell Him what it was because God had to put it on His too. (That way I couldn't aquaint it to my overactive imagination.) So, my husband prayed and asked Him, point blank, what it was He had put on my heart - the moment we ended the conversation. Then he sat on God's answer until I brought it up again in a tear-filled conversation with him two weeks ago today.
I told my husband that God hasn't stopped His relentless pressing of this plan He had for me. My husband, in all his love, told me there was no way he could confirm it if I didn't share it. I told him. He went deathly silent and said, "WHAT?". Then he told me that was the exact ONE WORD God told him in his prayer.
You guys! Don't you see? He still talks to us. He still guides and leads, grows and teaches, plans and gives. Oh, how He gives. While at this point in the story I cannot share, simply know He is a good, good God - and that my husband is fully on board. Afterall, God put it on his heart, too!
However, before I leave this (rather long) post, I must tell you one more thing. Because only God. ONLY. GOD. The Monday after my husband and I had this conversation, the one where God affirmed His calling on us, I received an email. One I have been waiting for for just shy of two years. I am not only hired as an Adjunct Professor at a local Christian University, I have also been assigned my first course. I cannot wait to watch God work in this opportunity. I am deeply humbled by the chance to lead others in Christlikeness as we navigate Business Principles in our world today.
Pray, then Listen.
Love,
-M
There's Speaking.
Then there's Hearing.
But both require Listening.
Oh, not only to have ears that hear but a heart that listens.
A few weeks ago, while doing my morning devotions, I felt the Lord nudging me. Wait, I need to back up a bit. I love learning. Honestly, more than I love teaching and you all know, well at least those of you who have read this blog for any length of time, how much I love to teach. I digress. For the last six months or so I had been doing in-depth Bible studies. Not your run of the mill read and fill in the blank ones, no these were dig-your-heals-in, read the text, learn the original Greek/Hebrew, draw parallels, and expose the very fiber of your soul studies. Yes. That deep.
I cried copious tears. I wrote thousands of words. I filled page, after page, after page with love, laughter, and pain. I found grace, acceptance, peace, and a God who just doesn't stop pursuing. Then there was the unexpected. The downright unfathomable. The thing of all things I didn't think I'd ever find.
Myself.
The person who I pushed and squished and hid because I thought I needed to be something, someone else. Don't get me wrong on this. Yes, I did yell at the Lord a time or two. I even started a few of our conversations with, "yeah, but". Oh, He'd hear me. He'd even listen to my words. Yet He never gave up on the speaking. I rather imagine He got hoarse a time or two. Or a few times more than that.
What did it take for me to finally listen? Oh, I had to give up what I thought my life should look like. Right?! As if it should have always been that easy. Yet, the teacher in me knows that the best lessons are learned in the hardest ways. And some of us (ahem - me) are slower learners than others. Just saying.
I've prayed the same prayers for years. Deep prayers. Words upon words upon words that I didn't think were being heard. Only it wasn't Him not listening. It was me desiring my answer to be what was spoken. We have an uncanny way of doing that. Some of us let go sooner than others. Like me. I held onto my ideas, thinking they were what I needed in order to be who it was I was destined to be. Funny thing was, I never became her. Sure, sometimes she'd pop up, but other times, well, you know.
Many of those prayers will be left unshared. However, there are two that I believe will put this post into perspective.
First. My desire to be a good mom. Not just being a mother, but to be a good mom. A mom whose children want to be with her - can't wait to text, call, or come home to talk to. I want to be the mom who supports her children, goes to as many events as I humanly can, enocurages them to pursue their dreams and does what I can to make that happen, but most importantly lets her children know, without a shadow of a doubt they are loved and always wanted. I want to be the mom whose children know she loves the Lord and clings to Him for everything and teaches them to do the same. Because He loves so much more than I ever could.
You may think that is a funny prayer. After all, isn't that what all moms do? Oh, but that voice in my head told me, and still at times tells me I am anything but that mom. Yet, God knows. And when I focus on Him - He is telling me I AM that mom. For the children He's given to me - by birth or not.
Second. My desire to be a teacher. Oh, the countless years I've cried buckets full of tears over this. Yes, even before the honor of becoming a mom. Teaching has been ingrained in me since birth I believe. Sure other persuits pushed the possibility and life had its way with me as well, but in the back of my mind and rooted in my heart has always laid this desire.
I chased it with all that I was for a while. Thinking it was the one thing that would help me be who He said I was. Oh, but it was honestly who I was telling Him I was. As I waivered in and out of the possibility over the last couple years I clung to my abilities, my knowledge, my understanding, well, myself. Sure, I begged and pleaded with Him. We all know how that ends up.
So what does all this have to do with my Bible studies? I recently finished a couple (yes, I do more than one at a time - call it what you will) and purchased a few more to begin. Yet, the desire wasn't there. I forced it for a couple days before I put it away and just opened my Bible. That first day in prayer (mind you, at this point I had relinquishsed all desires to be a teacher and come full circle to knowing being a mom and a wife IS who I am. And honestly, I really like her.) blew my socks off.
In a crystal clear way God put something firm on my heart. I was blown away. Me, Lord? Really? Me? "Yes." Naturally, I didn't react straight away. But it wouldn't go away. He pressed it on my heart even more. Ever so much harder. What was there to do but tell Him if it is who He wants me to be and do, then by golly, He was going to have to put it on my husband's heart as well. Don't you just love my braizen boldness?! Who doesn't tell God what to do?!
Yes, I fully realize the absurdity of my demand. I told my husband that the Lord had put something on my heart but I couldn't tell Him what it was because God had to put it on His too. (That way I couldn't aquaint it to my overactive imagination.) So, my husband prayed and asked Him, point blank, what it was He had put on my heart - the moment we ended the conversation. Then he sat on God's answer until I brought it up again in a tear-filled conversation with him two weeks ago today.
I told my husband that God hasn't stopped His relentless pressing of this plan He had for me. My husband, in all his love, told me there was no way he could confirm it if I didn't share it. I told him. He went deathly silent and said, "WHAT?". Then he told me that was the exact ONE WORD God told him in his prayer.
You guys! Don't you see? He still talks to us. He still guides and leads, grows and teaches, plans and gives. Oh, how He gives. While at this point in the story I cannot share, simply know He is a good, good God - and that my husband is fully on board. Afterall, God put it on his heart, too!
However, before I leave this (rather long) post, I must tell you one more thing. Because only God. ONLY. GOD. The Monday after my husband and I had this conversation, the one where God affirmed His calling on us, I received an email. One I have been waiting for for just shy of two years. I am not only hired as an Adjunct Professor at a local Christian University, I have also been assigned my first course. I cannot wait to watch God work in this opportunity. I am deeply humbled by the chance to lead others in Christlikeness as we navigate Business Principles in our world today.
Pray, then Listen.
Love,
-M
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