Together - A Reflection on a Post About Marriage
I read a blog yesterday a friend of mine had shared on her Facebook page. It was about a woman, who after several years of marriage, six children, and countless other life experiences with the man she had married in her early years, still reveled in their love of one another. Sure, the premise of the blog had a physical undertone, but more than that it allowed the reader to relate to the fact - sometimes you just have to come together to get through it together. I know I could relate.
This post garnered many comments from other friends, and while I was unable to meet the level of understanding several of the others who commented on the post did, I still understood. You see, unlike many of those who commented, I have been divorced and remarried - this gives a completely different view on the subject.
Upon the first read, I was reminded how much stock we place in perfection while in a relationship. We, as a society, have gotten to a point where we believe a relationship needs to be conflict free in order to be good or "meant to be". We have also gotten to the point where we ignore the differences and refuse to express ourselves in front of our families (read that: children) for fear they aren't going to grow up with any sense of security. In my opinion, both of these ideas are hogwash.
Marriage is messy. Marriage is digging in the trenches and coming out covered in mud and grit and heaven only knows what else. Marriage is deciding, up front, no matter what else may happen, you are in it for the long haul. Marriage is a daily choice of picking, rather choosing, your spouse above yourself.
All this for no other reason than, you have to. In order to make it work you need to see a few things. (I'm not a professional, these are just my observations.) First, you are not the same person he married any more than he is the same person you married. It is true. Every moment of every day we change. We grow a bit older (biology), we change a little physically (wrinkles and sagginess in all the wrong places), we learn something new (academically or otherwise), and we live in an ever-changing society that, like it or not, does imprint itself on us in some manner (large or small).
Second, we are the example to our children. If we hide everything, they learn nothing. The inverse is true, too, and this is where we as parents have an even more important role. Letting the Littles see you work through hardship and conflict is actually beneficial. No, not the knockout, drag-out, in your face yelling all that is ugly in the world to each other, but because no two people are ever going to be symbiotic and there will be times those differences need to express themselves. Let them see that differences are a good thing and that there is a way to work through them together.
Third, and yes this one was saved for last because it is honestly the best. Love God together. Love God individually. Love God as a family. For all other things will become what they are when this is the primary focus.
The biggest issue I had with the blog was the fact she was reflecting on a relationship she had with the man who fathered all her children. The man who she was still married to after two decades, a man who literally watched her change emotionally, physically, and spiritually - sometimes by his help and definitely by the natural progression of life - maturing and aging. That left women like me who read the blog on the fringe. After all, I'm not married to the father of my children, nor am I the mother of my husband's children. I didn't marry him in my prime nor his. And I didn't marry him during the infancy of my faith any more than he was in his. I believe this is where some miss the beauty of remarriage.
This man I am married to, he loves me despite the stretch marks that were made growing another man's children. He chooses me even though time has added a few more wrinkles and parts of me are no longer perky and perfect to look at. He picks me at the end of a hard day; I am the one he comes to. Sure, sometimes we have to make a choice to make a choice - life is hard and marriage doesn't always make it easier. Yet I couldn't imagine facing a day without him by my side. We fight fights that other married couples - like the one represented in the blog I read - don't. However, we make it a point to fight them together and sometimes, we have to come together in order to get through it together. (Some things are simply universal.)
In the end, the blog gave me pause enough to be thankful for the life I have because I am married to a man who chose me not because he had to, but because he wanted to. And that alone is enough to make everything worth fighting/working for - worth doing together.
This post garnered many comments from other friends, and while I was unable to meet the level of understanding several of the others who commented on the post did, I still understood. You see, unlike many of those who commented, I have been divorced and remarried - this gives a completely different view on the subject.
Upon the first read, I was reminded how much stock we place in perfection while in a relationship. We, as a society, have gotten to a point where we believe a relationship needs to be conflict free in order to be good or "meant to be". We have also gotten to the point where we ignore the differences and refuse to express ourselves in front of our families (read that: children) for fear they aren't going to grow up with any sense of security. In my opinion, both of these ideas are hogwash.
Marriage is messy. Marriage is digging in the trenches and coming out covered in mud and grit and heaven only knows what else. Marriage is deciding, up front, no matter what else may happen, you are in it for the long haul. Marriage is a daily choice of picking, rather choosing, your spouse above yourself.
All this for no other reason than, you have to. In order to make it work you need to see a few things. (I'm not a professional, these are just my observations.) First, you are not the same person he married any more than he is the same person you married. It is true. Every moment of every day we change. We grow a bit older (biology), we change a little physically (wrinkles and sagginess in all the wrong places), we learn something new (academically or otherwise), and we live in an ever-changing society that, like it or not, does imprint itself on us in some manner (large or small).
Second, we are the example to our children. If we hide everything, they learn nothing. The inverse is true, too, and this is where we as parents have an even more important role. Letting the Littles see you work through hardship and conflict is actually beneficial. No, not the knockout, drag-out, in your face yelling all that is ugly in the world to each other, but because no two people are ever going to be symbiotic and there will be times those differences need to express themselves. Let them see that differences are a good thing and that there is a way to work through them together.
Third, and yes this one was saved for last because it is honestly the best. Love God together. Love God individually. Love God as a family. For all other things will become what they are when this is the primary focus.
The biggest issue I had with the blog was the fact she was reflecting on a relationship she had with the man who fathered all her children. The man who she was still married to after two decades, a man who literally watched her change emotionally, physically, and spiritually - sometimes by his help and definitely by the natural progression of life - maturing and aging. That left women like me who read the blog on the fringe. After all, I'm not married to the father of my children, nor am I the mother of my husband's children. I didn't marry him in my prime nor his. And I didn't marry him during the infancy of my faith any more than he was in his. I believe this is where some miss the beauty of remarriage.
This man I am married to, he loves me despite the stretch marks that were made growing another man's children. He chooses me even though time has added a few more wrinkles and parts of me are no longer perky and perfect to look at. He picks me at the end of a hard day; I am the one he comes to. Sure, sometimes we have to make a choice to make a choice - life is hard and marriage doesn't always make it easier. Yet I couldn't imagine facing a day without him by my side. We fight fights that other married couples - like the one represented in the blog I read - don't. However, we make it a point to fight them together and sometimes, we have to come together in order to get through it together. (Some things are simply universal.)
In the end, the blog gave me pause enough to be thankful for the life I have because I am married to a man who chose me not because he had to, but because he wanted to. And that alone is enough to make everything worth fighting/working for - worth doing together.
Comments
Post a Comment