Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Perceived Perceptions

I don't know if I've shared this before or not, but I get caught up in perception. Not so much in how I perceive the actuality of something, but how I perceive what others are perceiving about me in the actuality of something.  I KNOW!  It is such a convoluted mess.   It is so stressful that it has my mind and my emotions all twisty -ALL. THE. TIME!  Here in lies the problem.  Allow me to explain.

When I think I know how people are seeing me, I begin to act upon those perceived perceptions.  I put those ideas into play, despite how contorted and wrong they may be.  In some ways I know them to be completely wrong, and yet I am remiss to stop myself from believing them. And you know what?  It hurts.  I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have done this and wish I could take it all back.  How I wish I could undo the amount of time spent acting out those perceptions.  Most especially when they involve those I love.

It's funny really.  A while back, I don't know when exactly, my ex-mother-in-law told me something I will never forget.  So you know, we still talk and have a good relationship.  She is a wonderful woman and I greatly enjoy her company and miss her cooking even more!  I'm quite thankful my Littles have her as a grandma.  To my point. She told me (and this is a paraphrase because I don't remember the exact words), "you really just need to be who you are and not try to be everyone else too".  What!  I know!  Those words continually haunt me.

That's just it too. Because I am constantly trying to live up to those perceived perceptions I don't know who I am for the most part.  Or more so, I never let who I am grow and become.  Sadly,  because of this, I have lost so much.  I have lost time. I have lost love.  I have lost relationships.  I have lost opportunities.  I have lost.  And why do I do this?  Oh, without a doubt, I do it out of fear.  Fear that if I am not some person, or can do something, then I will never be enough. I want to tell you that the identification of this fact will get me on the path of, well, not doing it, but I cannot.  I don't know what tomorrow holds any more than I do the next 5 minutes.

I often reflect on the times I let those perceptions create in me a character I do not like.  A character that doesn't even resonate with who I want to be.  For example, I want to be the cool person who is good in groups like my brother and sister, gosh even like my husband.  They can work a room like it is no one's business and be a person other's want to be around, and even like.  Me, I'm awkward. I get scared. And when I do I try all the harder because I perceive them as seeing me as someone I am not.  So I act on those perceptions.  And it is a disaster every single time. Every. Single. Time.

One would think at my age I would be passed this.  Mostly due to the fact that once you've successfully navigated and nearly completed your 3rd decade of life you should have a handle on all of this. Yet, I don't.  It is something that I try to let go, but struggle to do.  I want to be comfortable with who I am and know that who I am is ok, but I don't. I worry about those perceptions.  I worry about being liked and wanted and it eats at me.  And when it comes to this point I start to question why God made me like this.  Why he would create me to be someone that is easily forgotten or that no one wants to be around.

But I realize that isn't the truth either because I know what God says about me.  I know he doesn't make mistakes.  I know he made me on purpose, for a purpose.  I know that he has plans for me.  I know I am his because He chose me to be. And yet still, I yo-yo between the knowing and the being.

There isn't a profound purpose to this blog today. No lesson I wish to impart. No tidbit of incredible wisdom. Just the thoughts I have in my head at this time and the thing I struggle with most. This thing that feeds all other things I struggle with.  It is this that breeds all of my nuances - both right and wrong.  I want to let it go. I want to drop it at the feet of Jesus and be free from it.  I want to just be me. And I want to like the person I am.

Since this is life and it is taken a day at a time, I want to think I'm making a successful go at it all, but I am most certain there will be lapses and relearning and struggles on the journey to get there. Without a doubt there will be pages and pages of words you will read (or not) during this time. I just hope that in my openness, some good can come.

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