I don't know if I've shared this before or not, but I get caught up in perception. Not so much in how I perceive the actuality of something, but how I perceive what others are perceiving about me in the actuality of something. I KNOW! It is such a convoluted mess. It is so stressful that it has my mind and my emotions all twisty -ALL. THE. TIME! Here in lies the problem. Allow me to explain.
When I think I know how people are seeing me, I begin to act upon those perceived perceptions. I put those ideas into play, despite how contorted and wrong they may be. In some ways I know them to be completely wrong, and yet I am remiss to stop myself from believing them. And you know what? It hurts. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have done this and wish I could take it all back. How I wish I could undo the amount of time spent acting out those perceptions. Most especially when they involve those I love.
It's funny really. A while back, I don't know when exactly, my ex-mother-in-law told me something I will never forget. So you know, we still talk and have a good relationship. She is a wonderful woman and I greatly enjoy her company and miss her cooking even more! I'm quite thankful my Littles have her as a grandma. To my point. She told me (and this is a paraphrase because I don't remember the exact words), "you really just need to be who you are and not try to be everyone else too". What! I know! Those words continually haunt me.
That's just it too. Because I am constantly trying to live up to those perceived perceptions I don't know who I am for the most part. Or more so, I never let who I am grow and become. Sadly, because of this, I have lost so much. I have lost time. I have lost love. I have lost relationships. I have lost opportunities. I have lost. And why do I do this? Oh, without a doubt, I do it out of fear. Fear that if I am not some person, or can do something, then I will never be enough. I want to tell you that the identification of this fact will get me on the path of, well, not doing it, but I cannot. I don't know what tomorrow holds any more than I do the next 5 minutes.
I often reflect on the times I let those perceptions create in me a character I do not like. A character that doesn't even resonate with who I want to be. For example, I want to be the cool person who is good in groups like my brother and sister, gosh even like my husband. They can work a room like it is no one's business and be a person other's want to be around, and even like. Me, I'm awkward. I get scared. And when I do I try all the harder because I perceive them as seeing me as someone I am not. So I act on those perceptions. And it is a disaster every single time. Every. Single. Time.
One would think at my age I would be passed this. Mostly due to the fact that once you've successfully navigated and nearly completed your 3rd decade of life you should have a handle on all of this. Yet, I don't. It is something that I try to let go, but struggle to do. I want to be comfortable with who I am and know that who I am is ok, but I don't. I worry about those perceptions. I worry about being liked and wanted and it eats at me. And when it comes to this point I start to question why God made me like this. Why he would create me to be someone that is easily forgotten or that no one wants to be around.
But I realize that isn't the truth either because I know what God says about me. I know he doesn't make mistakes. I know he made me on purpose, for a purpose. I know that he has plans for me. I know I am his because He chose me to be. And yet still, I yo-yo between the knowing and the being.
There isn't a profound purpose to this blog today. No lesson I wish to impart. No tidbit of incredible wisdom. Just the thoughts I have in my head at this time and the thing I struggle with most. This thing that feeds all other things I struggle with. It is this that breeds all of my nuances - both right and wrong. I want to let it go. I want to drop it at the feet of Jesus and be free from it. I want to just be me. And I want to like the person I am.
Since this is life and it is taken a day at a time, I want to think I'm making a successful go at it all, but I am most certain there will be lapses and relearning and struggles on the journey to get there. Without a doubt there will be pages and pages of words you will read (or not) during this time. I just hope that in my openness, some good can come.