Setting It Aside
It's been said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. I need to be honest here. I doubt my ability to teach. But more than that, I doubt it is a dream that will ever come true. Hear me out on this.
In the past few days, life has had its way with me. It has been one curve ball after another and one anxiety-laden situation after another. I have shed many tears, questioned my existence and purpose, and even thought, in many ways, how I wish I was someone else. Granted, the latter would not have prevented the former from happening; it would have just changed the situation. I digress.
In the past, I have shared about spiritual gifts. I have even been so bold as to share what mine are. In the past year, I have run a million miles per hour headlong into achieving my gifts, of doing or becoming what they say of me. I've failed to succeed. In that failure, I have gained an extreme level of doubt over the truth of my gifts.
You see, I took my first assessment when I was a very new Christian. I was given the questionnaire by my Pastor. He told me to pray before answering, and to answer to the best of my ability. I remember being so excited to find out the results; I was full of giddy expectation. I felt once I knew what they were I would finally have a purpose in life and I could go on from there. Somewhere around 13 - 14 years ago, I found out my gifts were teaching, knowledge, and discernment. I can remember the part of me that was elated hearing the teaching part since that is what I have wanted to be and do since I was a little girl.
Fast forward many years, lots of life experiences, trials and tribulations later, and I come across the opportunity to share about spiritual gifts with the ladies in my church. I spent weeks reading books, researching online, reading scripture, and finally taking a gifts analysis. This one much different than the one my Pastor had given me all those years ago. Wouldn't you know, the top two gifts were teaching and knowledge. Even though I took the analysis only five months ago I don't remember what the third one was. Strange?
Fast forward to today. I hit another brick wall in this quest to teach. I had good intentions. Most of which was backed by current circumstances and my desire to expedite our process through them. Surprise! It totally doesn't work like that. So I sat down this afternoon with the expressed purpose of continuing the study I began for the ladies at church and stumbled upon yet another gifts test. This one worded much differently with a lot less ability to decipher which gift was being promoted through the questions. (It is hard not to tell what they are getting at!) This one gave me the following answers: teaching, knowledge, and wisdom. In that order.
Ok, God, I get it. This is what you have gifted me with. I am ever thankful for what you have entrusted me with, but honestly, now what? I have a feeling teaching as a profession - in an academic sense - is not where you have me. I'm getting that. It hurts, sure, but I'm too exhausted - mentally and emotionally - to keep pursuing that line of work professionally. I gave it all I had and I am learning that sometimes everything you are is still not enough especially when it is out of your will.
Therefore, I am officially handing it all over to you. I'm not giving up, I am simply releasing control. I will put it to bed and I thank you for giving me the courage to try. This isn't an "I told you so" thing. Not at all. I know that because you don't say those words. Instead, what I know this is, is simply, "wait". So, I will wait. I will take each day and work at becoming and growing and learning what it is that I still need to know. I will be the best at who and what I am today and tomorrow and all the days that follow.
Thank you for my gifts and I hope someday you show me exactly how you want them to be used and at that point in time, I hope I do not fail you.
- M
In the past few days, life has had its way with me. It has been one curve ball after another and one anxiety-laden situation after another. I have shed many tears, questioned my existence and purpose, and even thought, in many ways, how I wish I was someone else. Granted, the latter would not have prevented the former from happening; it would have just changed the situation. I digress.
In the past, I have shared about spiritual gifts. I have even been so bold as to share what mine are. In the past year, I have run a million miles per hour headlong into achieving my gifts, of doing or becoming what they say of me. I've failed to succeed. In that failure, I have gained an extreme level of doubt over the truth of my gifts.
You see, I took my first assessment when I was a very new Christian. I was given the questionnaire by my Pastor. He told me to pray before answering, and to answer to the best of my ability. I remember being so excited to find out the results; I was full of giddy expectation. I felt once I knew what they were I would finally have a purpose in life and I could go on from there. Somewhere around 13 - 14 years ago, I found out my gifts were teaching, knowledge, and discernment. I can remember the part of me that was elated hearing the teaching part since that is what I have wanted to be and do since I was a little girl.
Fast forward many years, lots of life experiences, trials and tribulations later, and I come across the opportunity to share about spiritual gifts with the ladies in my church. I spent weeks reading books, researching online, reading scripture, and finally taking a gifts analysis. This one much different than the one my Pastor had given me all those years ago. Wouldn't you know, the top two gifts were teaching and knowledge. Even though I took the analysis only five months ago I don't remember what the third one was. Strange?
Fast forward to today. I hit another brick wall in this quest to teach. I had good intentions. Most of which was backed by current circumstances and my desire to expedite our process through them. Surprise! It totally doesn't work like that. So I sat down this afternoon with the expressed purpose of continuing the study I began for the ladies at church and stumbled upon yet another gifts test. This one worded much differently with a lot less ability to decipher which gift was being promoted through the questions. (It is hard not to tell what they are getting at!) This one gave me the following answers: teaching, knowledge, and wisdom. In that order.
Ok, God, I get it. This is what you have gifted me with. I am ever thankful for what you have entrusted me with, but honestly, now what? I have a feeling teaching as a profession - in an academic sense - is not where you have me. I'm getting that. It hurts, sure, but I'm too exhausted - mentally and emotionally - to keep pursuing that line of work professionally. I gave it all I had and I am learning that sometimes everything you are is still not enough especially when it is out of your will.
Therefore, I am officially handing it all over to you. I'm not giving up, I am simply releasing control. I will put it to bed and I thank you for giving me the courage to try. This isn't an "I told you so" thing. Not at all. I know that because you don't say those words. Instead, what I know this is, is simply, "wait". So, I will wait. I will take each day and work at becoming and growing and learning what it is that I still need to know. I will be the best at who and what I am today and tomorrow and all the days that follow.
Thank you for my gifts and I hope someday you show me exactly how you want them to be used and at that point in time, I hope I do not fail you.
- M
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