I Read Too Much

I'm going to try to make this short, more because I only have about 20 minutes before I have to leave for work than because I don't have much to say.  I hate this time of year.  I try really hard not to hate it, really I do.  In fact, today is a very special day for someone I love.  Today is my Mr.'s birthday.  I truly hope he likes his gift and that today is filled with blessings for him.  However, outside of that one thing, there isn't much I care for in this month. Why is this month so horrible?  Well, for the days leading up to my own birthday they serve as an anticipation for a day that has never been special for me, and for the days that follow it, they serve as a transition back to life as normal.  Why do I hate my birthday so much?  It has nothing to do with aging, after all, none of us can change the course of that.  I hate my birthday so much because it is nothing more than a reminder of the day I was born to someone who hate...

I am currently reading in Romans; I just finished with chapter 7.  The Bible I use was a gift to me from my Mr. when we were dating - he gave it to me for my birthday. I haven't had it for too many years, but long enough that I have started to stumble upon verses I've highlighted and words I've jotted in the margins.  I do that, you know.  I write in the margins.  It is the #1 reason I cannot share books with others - not that I don't like to share, but that I don't want my interaction with the words to be seen by all.  I digress. This morning as I was reading on the wages of sin and death - it sounds so harsh when put like that, don't you think - I started thinking on what the writer was saying.  Verse 14 begins this tug of war on what a person wants to do and what they don't want to do - the struggle between what is leading the cause and the direction they want to take.  If you are a slave to one, you are mastered by it... In case you've never ...

Day 2 of this 30-day challenge and I think I spent more time looking for a topic than I will have to on the writing bit!  Naturally, I went to Pinterest and after pinning several new lists, settled in on this topic: 30 interesting facts about yourself.  I got this!!! 1)  I love to read non-fiction.  This is something that has only come about in the past few years as story books started losing their appeal.  I will pick one up every once in a while, but for the most part, it's true stuff only for me! 2)  I don't have TV.  Gasp!  I know.  How completely un-American can I be? LOL.  We have the Netflix and Amazon Prime so if there is something I feel I need to sit and waste an hour or so of my life watching, I have the option available to me. 3) I do not like pop music.  Never have, even in my younger years. It's all rather tired and boring.  I prefer classic rock (which in my defense was pop-culture before my time!) 4) I have...

Almost 3 years ago I started a 30 day challenge and then my life turned upside down.  In those subsequent months I found words and strength and advice that I know only came from the good Lord above.  That said, a few days ago I came across a blog (I dearly love blogs) that detailed a woman's journey to finding her inner writer, her desire to become one.  I took notes, as I am often apt to do, and from there decided that I too, would start on this journey to become a writer.  After all, wasn't it Lao Tzo that said, "A journey starts with a single step" or in this case a single word?! To share what I read/learnt: 1. Make a goal. Umm, hello, as with all things in life this is a good start. 2. Try out your goal before committing.  Ok, I'm a runner.  Or at least I was until, well, other things deterred me from it, but I am.  I am a runner.  One of the biggest things with running is that you have to...let me stress this...HAVE TO make a go...

Have you ever looked back over a situation and wondered just how you made it through?  Me too.  In fact, I've been thinking over the past 2+ years a lot these past days and wondered where on Earth did the strength come from and where on Earth has it gone?  There are things I know to be absolutely true about me and then there are the things that I know are lies I tell myself because the truth would hurt all that much more.  Before you interject your ideas as to the difference between the two, allow me to explain.  Truths that I know about me: 1. I am a strong person.  Head strong that is.  I am a truly stubborn woman.  My grandma used to tell me that this would be my nemesis someday (my words not hers exactly, but it was the point given).  She was right, this is at times my undoing. 2. I am a weak woman.  Emotionally speaking.  I wear my feelings on my shirt sleeve.  I do not hide them nor do I sugar coat th...

I've taken many weeks off from writing, yes even in my private journals.  It isn't that I haven't had a desire to, quite the opposite really; it is more that I have been struggling with coming to terms with the thoughts in my head.  I won't lie, this battle, the one where I am struggling to be the confident, independent divorce is colliding with the career woman, single mom of three, who longs for a forever someone, is wearing me out.  People divorce is so very hard.  I have read countless articles, books, blogs, not to mention listened to radio programs, podcasts and other divorces' advice, but I am still not healed.   Listen to me, no matter what you may want to believe and some may convince you to believe, there is no cookie-cutter way to get through divorce.  Most especially if you were the one left hanging.  I've fought God, myself, and others in this process.  I've had good days and horrible days.  I...

A while back I wrote to you about how I love to run.  I do.  I love to run.  It is one of the things that defines me.  In that post I was open about how I only run shorter distances, about how I seem to lose the energy when it comes to the long run.  That was then, this is now.  In the months since then, yes months, I have grown to enjoy the long run.  There is something altogether amazing about the long run, allow me to explain.  I am not a fast runner by any stretch of the imagination, but I am not really that slow either. I am kind of right there, in the middle.  Of course this doesn't mean that I'm not out there trying to improve with each step that I take.  I have ran many distances.  Short, quick, one mile out and back taking up roughly 15 minutes of my time all the way to just shy of an 18 mile loop, which I did at an average of 9:24min/mile pace a month or so ago.  (My next goal is a 20 miler)...

A year.  It is quite remarkable the difference a year can make.  I would be lying if I said I didn't cry today, that I put my big girl panties on, a fresh smile, and made it out the door to face the world.  But I did.  I cried.  Actually I sobbed.  I bawled.  I wept out loud.  At church.  At home.  All day.  We made it to church and I had the pleasure of  wonderful conversations with some dear friends.  Then at that end of the service I had a few more that came up to me at the altar and prayed with me and for me.  One held back my hair and rubbed my neck, another had her arm wrapped around me, another was holding my arm, and so many, they cried with me.  They cried, aloud, with me. And they prayed because they know. They know that even though it has been a year ago today since the ex-Mr. made the choice to walk away, my heart is still hurting.  They know that I am still in a lot...

These past couple of weeks I've been a mixture of emotions.  Some days I feel like I can conquer the world and others I feel like the world has conquered me.  I try not to focus on the calendar, but because the hours will it to happen the days keep turning one into another anyway.  Its the way of things I guess.  Time doing that thing it does.  Only those who have passed on are truly free of its inevitableness.  A year ago my days had their own issues, but I was sitting here without a doubt, behind this laptop, keying in some snarky bit of wisdom or more likely a string of random sarcasm as a woman who thought she knew who she was.  Never would I have thought that the days after would begin the journey that I am still on.  Those days which felt like years each turned into days that flew by.  In some ways I've grown stronger.  I'm doing those things that I never thought I would be able to do.  I am supporting my girls all by m...

Sleep eluded me last night.  It does that when my thoughts take over, when the words won't stop flowing.  I've written so much these past few days.  Some I've shared with you; much I have not.  It isn't that I won't, we all know that at some point I will to a degree, it's just that there are some thoughts that have to fully form.  The ideas have to put themselves together in just the right way.  Then there are those thoughts that no matter how much I care about you, I simply must save for myself.  These are my letters, my words, that I hold.  But, this post isn't about those. I fell asleep somewhere around 9:30pm with the light on, and my notebook, a pen, and a good book open beside me. I do that often.  I fall asleep in such a manner.  Truth is I have a couple notebooks, several pens, a couple dozen books - all started, none finished - tucked in my headboard.  That doesn't include the basket of running magazines on top of it...

I've thought about this for several days now.  I've talked to several of my friends and to the one that I love.  I won't deny that some topics are hard to discuss.  Painful at times, in fact.  Some bring out the ugliness in others and in some cases yourself.  However, this subject, the one that I think really needs a good, solid dose of reality thrown at it is: what is a Christian?  I can almost hear you now.  It's alright have at it.  I can't really hear you.  Not that I wouldn't mind listening to your opinion, after all you are choosing to read mine.  Yeah, it works that way. In the past several weeks I have had my Christianity questioned.  It's true.  Would be a silly thing, really, to lie about.  What do I have to gain.  Not a thing.  Here's the thing.  The main point.  The key principle (and yes, the grammar/slang is apropos) - AIN'T NOBODY PERFECT!  Yes, that means you.  I'm not h...

Today at church we celebrated Pentecost.  Pastor's message was on Focusing on the Filling. You know, Pentecost...the Holy Spirit came upon them like a mighty wind and flaming tongues above their heads, and they were all filled.  Truly, I can only imagine what a wonder that would have been, how it would have felt.  In fact, there is a part of me that is a wee bit jealous over their experience.  Oh, I know, we all have the opportunity to have that feeling, that experience.  We call it Entire Sanctification.  This is something I could go on about for some time, but it isn't the point of this post.  However, before I do get there, to my point that is, I want to leave you with one thought on this subject - there is no better feeling in the world than to know you are walking hand-in-hand with the Lord.  No better comfort than to know you are working together with the Spirit to be filled by Him while being emptied of your self.  (Not emptied of the ...

Roy Orbison was on to something when he recorded this song all those years ago.  It's been my theme song for quite some time.  I've worked really hard at keeping it at bay - the loneliness, not the song.  Truly I've had some good days.  Days in which I keep so busy with one thing or another that I don't have time to reflect on it.  Those days really it isn't things and activities, it is conversation with others.  In fact, there are nights, I hate to admit, that I will have multiple conversations going on all at once.  No, it's true and quite possible!  Several are by text and several more by messenger.  I try to fill my time with talk.  With other people. I know that my Christian friends will be the first to jump in, right now, and say "you should be spending that time with the Lord, in prayer, in meditation, in reading His word."  Truth - they are right.  So completely right.  That's what I really should ...

I'm at a crossroads.  I can feel it.  I can tell that the source of my words is fading, fading with each passing day.  It isn't that I don't have anything to talk about, I do, yet what I have to say hasn't formed itself into the right story yet.  And that is just it.  I am without a story to tell.  I doubt I will ever be one of those authors that can string together words to sentences; sentences to paragraphs; paragraphs to chapters; and chapters to a book - all revolving around fictional characters.  I don't have the creativity.  No, I'm not self effacing here, I just simply don't "feel" it.  I had the pleasure tonight of meeting a woman, whose name I will keep to myself, that has just recently written a book and sent to a publisher.  Her story is set in the late 1800's and is a romance/suspense novel.  I could have talked to her for hours.  How did she develop the characters?  How did she know what to base her story on...

Lao-tzu has told us that "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." I took that step today.  Quite literally.  I ran my first 5k.  I had told myself I was going to do this and do it to the best of my ability.  I ran this race with a friend.  I was open and honest with her from the get go.  I told her that if she was faster, to go on ahead.  To which she replicated the statement.  I agreed.  I set off on my journey.  I wanted to see what I could do.  This was of utmost importance to me.  I needed to know what I was capable of.  After all, running is one of my pleasures in life.  I did this for me.  I did this with no one cheering me on.  Well, at least race side.  I had many cheering me on from where they were.  I'm going to stop this train of thought and go there for a second. I have to say this, I am the most blessed woman in the world.  Yes, I may have lost a hu...

I was recently told that I am a complex person, but in a good way.  Ha!  Well, truth, I am complex, good or not.  I am really working on this "who am I" thing.  I've had some amazing conversations with some wonderful people over this past week.  Truth, past several months. Each one has helped me peel back a layer of the person I always thought I was to find the person I really am.  You know, its quite funny really, when you look back and realize that you have created an image of  yourself based solely off of those things you think others expect you to be.  I know.  Fake.  I hate to admit that.  I am actually quite saddened by it.  But the cool thing I'm learning is that its ok to be me.  I'm an ok person.  Who and what I am are good, albeit not perfect - but really, are any of us? Yet, this is where I begin to fight myself.  Where I begin to struggle with the real me and the one I created for others. ...

Each day that goes by my heart becomes more, well, something.  I've had highs and lows.  I've had expectations and regrets.  I've anticipated and regrettably been let down.  I've been comfortable on my own and suffered from extreme loneliness. Despite all of this I'm still a mess.  I still struggle.  I'm beginning to wonder when that struggle will end. Will it ever end?  So today I thought it was time to share what I'm looking for.  There are specific qualities that are major - a complete must.  These aren't things that a person can fake either, these are things that will be who they are.  These are what makes them, defines them.  Pretending doesn't allow for this.  Oh, change can happen, but time is the only real tell of that.  Honest. To. Goodness. Truth. Dear future person: First and foremost be honest and have integrity.  Please, above all else, do NOT lie.  Be who you say you are and do what yo...

I haven't been able to sleep.  My mind is so full, full of all these things.  Things I can control, many that I can't.  It was almost midnight before I was able to close my eyes, but I was awakened at 3:40 by the sound of the front door slowly opening with the ever so quiet entrance of the one person who has turned my life upside down.  He thought he was being stealthy, I could tell by the purposeful movements, but he wasn't.  After turning on the TV, fixing a bowl of cereal, and waking our 4 year old (unintentionally), he sat down to watch Star Trek.  I had the nerve to ask this morning, why, after all these months has he finally started coming straight home?  For many months now he's slept in his car at work, or in the parking lot at Walmart or McDonald's, or any such place he felt the need to tell me. Truth or not.  Except for now.  Now, when I desperately want peace, he's back; back to being where he should - even though he really is...

OK, lovelies, it was bound to happen and today it did.  In fact, I was really taken aback by the way it happened.  Really it is a commonplace occurance, one I've actually experienced a time or two myself over the years. In the past it had reared itself, most often, at the wrong time, and in some cases at the right time. It manifests differently for us all and the presentation of it is just as different.  For me, today, it was highly embarrassing. It being... Anger .  It's a beast.  It can ravage you.  It can take weeks and months worth of work and destroy it in a single swipe.  It can make you into something you never wanted to be.  I can explain it away, really I have an excuse.  No, really, there is no excuse.  It was unacceptable the way I expressed myself.  The funny thing is just this past Sunday in Sunday School we studied about Anger.  The right kind and the wrong kind.  Today, I had the wrong kind....

I've searched, fervently, for something to heal my broken heart.  I stumbled across a picture on the web that gave me the only answer I really needed, you can see it below.  It wasn't that my vision was skewed, its that my mind couldn't, wouldn't, focus.  After all, my heart is in a thousand little pieces.  I hurt.  My pain is greater than I have ever experienced.  I've been dealt a death blow, I'm crushed.  But, I've found a few things.  I've found the depth of love my church family and friends have for me.  I've found, that I'm still alive, a feat in and of itself, but I am breathing, in and out, though labored by the incessant crying.  Oh these tears, how they burn.  My eyes, so puffy.  My stomach, in knots.  All these a reflection of the pieces my heart is in.  It's a funny thing, really.  How this organ that circulates life has the capacity to ache, to feel heavy over the loss.  In case you didn't kno...