I Read Too Much

The Mr. got transferred to first shift at the start of the year.  At first, I was worried about him getting up and leaving so early for fear I would oversleep and be late for work.  I need to admit I'm not all that good with the whole "wake up with the alarm clock" thing. I have started to master it, but I won't be taking home any gold medals for this in this lifetime.  However, this is not the point of this post and I really must get back on task.  After all, it is almost bedtime and that blasted clock will be chiming before I know it. Over the past couple of weeks, I have started getting up with him.  Gasp!  I know!  Here's why.  It gives me some time to do some exercising.  Now, don't go thinking I am an overachiever in this area; I'm not.  I do some basic stretching and an ab challenge - of the Pinterest variety, of course.  I may also be doing the stretches the Physical Therapist told me to do while I was trying to regain str...

I've come to realize something over the past several months.  Oh, who am I kidding, its been over a year.  A WHOLE STINKING YEAR! What is it you ask?  God's timing.  His timing is quite simply in no way WHATSOEVER the same as ours.  He could care less about the clock, the calendar, the sun dial, and any other means we mortals have in keeping track of time.  After all, it is something that he invented only for us to have a relative spans to base things off of.  We, having a finite view of life, live and die by the passing of time.  I'm here. Last night I had a very deep conversation with someone that means the world to me.  I'd like to believe the feeling is mutual, but in either way this person has a place in my heart that no other can hold. My problem, as of late, is timing.  I have fallen prey to the heartache that consumes because time has not been on my side.  I've fallen prey to the jealousy that eats away at my soul bec...

There are days when it is really hard to see things in the right perspective.  Days that turn into weeks and well, those into months.  In fact this whole past week has been an extremely rough week for me.  Now, I won't deny the moments in it that were great.  I had a few, all of which involved my Littles and doing things with them and for them.  But the times that were the hardest were the ones where I was left to my thoughts.  It is amazing the pull our thoughts have on our lives.  The way we think can lead us to a place that is so lonely and sad that even medication can't pull us out.  Well, personally speaking of course. This deep rooted depression has taken its toll on me.  I've gotten myself to the point where I don't sleep and I cry almost non-stop.  My heart is broken.  Completely.  Wholly.  I'm lost in the despair of my loneliness.  It is truly without a doubt the most crippling emotion.  I do not enjoy...

They say that healing takes time, that getting over a major life event takes time.  But what manner of time are they talking about?  And who are these elusive "they"? We get time.  We know there are 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour, 24 hours in a day, so on and so forth.  But how do you truly account for the time it takes to "get over" something.  I need to be honest here.  I'm not over it.  I'm not, not completely - really.  I mean I was with him for the better part of 11 years.  Don't get me wrong.  I THOUGHT I was over it.  I THOUGHT my heart was healed.  Actually, I THOUGHT my mind was healed.  But I was more just hiding from it.  I think the true tell is the amount of time I still TALK about it.  And I do.  A LOT.  Truth, I talk about a lot of things a lot!  Heartache being the biggest one.  I'm going to get back to more lighthearted subject matters.  I know ...

Each day gets harder as the realization sets in that I am all alone, so very, very alone.  It's quite sad, really, this feeling.  I've had so many people tell me that this too shall pass, that I will come out stronger in the end.  Truthfully I feel everything but strong.  I feel lost, hopeless, rejected, worthless, and a bevy of other feelings along this same line of thought. I have a lot of fabulous friends.  Many of whom have given me advice - some that I would never act upon.  Yes, I really want to move on, but there is a line that cannot be crossed.  A line that quite frankly I wouldn't cross regardless of my spiritual and/or religious beliefs.  But I know what they are saying and understand their reasoning.  But it just isn't going to happen. Then I have the advice of friends that are more in tuned to the love and teaching of the Lord than I am.  Yes, it's true, I don't have a flawless walk, but show me a 'perfe...

Yesterday happened - he's officially gone.  I helped him move.  Yes, I know.  I even sat there with him while he signed the lease for his new place - 12 months.  One year .  That's how long he is committing to being away.  I shouldn't say it like that, really, because he has already made the decision to go, this is merely another step to the process.  Each step he's taken has moved him farther and farther away.  I want to tell you I didn't cry yesterday, really I do, but I did.  I didn't cry while sitting there watching him sign his lease, I didn't cry while carrying his things up to his apartment, and I didn't cry while driving him back to the house so he could pick up his other car. BUT I did cry when he told me he loved me; when he felt the need to utter words that I've longed to hear for months.  I told him not to tell me that, not to lie to me, because love does not leave .  Love DOES NOT walk away.  He clarified hi...

I'm sure there are thousands of bloggers world wide anxiously tapping away at their keyboards trying to put to word the joys, pains, lessons, and sorrows that 2011 held.  It is now 8:45 on the 31st, less than 16 hours until that infamous ball drops and all the country, or at least this time zone, will sing Auld Lang Syne and kiss the appropriate person next to them firmly on the lips.  It warms my heart to think of the promises the new year can and will hold, but also saddens me to know that another year is being closed and that the tome will be be placed forevermore in the memory banks of those who wrote it's pages.  This year saw many things for my family as well as for me, these include: 1. The start of this blog 2. My mad quest to read 150 books 3. My children all celebrating another year 4. The loss of our family dog, Dorothy 5. My youngest starting pre-school 6. My oldest starting her last year of Elementary school 7. A trip of a lifetime to Israel 8....

We had our first "official" snow fall yesterday.  I say official because even though we had a dusting prior to Thanksgiving, yesterday's actually stuck, and stuck, and stuck, and...  The day started off with a little rain. OK, who am I kidding?  It was like a monsoon in the middle of fall.  I think Mother Nature fell asleep and pushed the wrong precipitation button, then when she woke up she realized the mistake and promptly turned it off and pressed the snow button.  I kid you not.  It wasn't a gradual change, no, it was about as subtle as a freight train.  The thing that gets me, living in the Midwest, is how many people have to re-learn how to drive in the winter.  It is almost like the seasons we have surrounding any that contain snow fall erase all winter driving memory and common sense.  Which brings me to my random thoughts, below are a few I had from this season's christening. 1.  Snow plows are optional until 6 inches or ...

Why do today, what you can put off until tomorrow?  Or wait, isn't it why put off until tomorrow what can be done today?  Oh, I always get it mixed up, but I do know one thing, procrastination always happens when life comes first.  Here is why: kids.  They don't care that you have homework or even an exam to take.  No, they still need fed, taken care of, time spent with,  or in other words, bonding.  So, what is the one thing that gets pushed aside?  Exactly, it isn't just one thing, it is many things, and for me that is anything that takes time away from them.  After all, it wasn't their choice that I went back to college as an adult.  Nope, no sirree, it was my desire to stay employed that did that.  Regardless, I have found that I've become the world's worst procrastinator and in all honesty I can't rightly blame it all on them, as easy as that would be. Now, I'm sure if getting this degree was something I really want...

Several years ago, circa late 1997/early 1998, I went on a group "date" with a bunch of friends and we watched a scary-ish movie with a song in it which lyrics stated "time is on my side, yes it is."  I can't help but to think, that though the memories of that evening are greatly shadowed and the people I shared it with are vastly dispersed from my life right now, that there was some truth in the matter.  I know this probably seems like a form of psycho babble, but work with me here. Time has a way of being on our side.  No, really.  I know that it flies and it is something no matter how hard you try you will never get back, but it is those moments you are given that are truly yours; they are essentially on your side.  For instance, this weekend, the sum of 48 hours, in no way held the adventure, the lure, the promise, of great memories being made, but it held in it time spent in my home, with my family, doing what families do. What does that picture look li...

There are days when the best thing that can happen is that nothing happens at all.  Well, almost nothing.  These are the days that are started and ended with out hick-ups; the ones that flow solely because they have a routine.  I like that word - routine.  It is a comforting sort of word.  One that implies there will be no surprises and you can bank on what will occur.  For instance today - get up, go to work, go to class, pick up the kids, check school papers, ensure kids are showered, teeth are brushed, and they are snuggled into bed.  These routine items rarely change, at least for this semester.  I am sure the next one will create a new series of events that will define our way of life.  It is quite funny, not the ha-ha kind, but funny none-the-less how the simplicity of a daily task can make a chaotic, harrowing event pale in comparison.  Perhaps not in the moment, but in the larger scheme of things that event is but a b...

OK, so I started typing today with one point to make and realized that you can't force a subject.  True writing will flow when there are meant to be words on paper, or in this case letters in space.  When it comes down to it, I just have a list of random thoughts going through my head.  Perhaps a bir of my randomness will become a conversation starter for one of you out there, or perhaps not. 1) Wishing to be something doesn't always bring it to fruition. 2) Time is not relative, it moves regardless of who you are or what you are doing. 3) Submersion in anything will not make you an authority. 4) The answers aren't always in the back of the book. 5) People come and people go, what matters is that you remain the same. 6) Friends are those people who know the real you and still call to say "hi". 7) People can never be a replacement for God. 8) Heartbreak follows the former when you don't realize its truth. 9) Reading just the headlines will not give yo...

OK, so I am moving a little slow through James.  Well, it is has more to do with my inconsistency of devotional time.  I reread James 4 this morning, more from forgetting where I left off rather than the desire to reread it, but boy am I glad I did, since last time (being a couple of days ago) I totally missed this section. Perhaps God is talking to me after all.   How many times have you been tempted to think to yourself or whisper to another something negative about yet another person?  Now, now, don't sit there and try to say you've never done such a thing.  You are human; therefore, it has happened.  How do I know?  Because I have done the same thing!  Ah-GASP!  Don't be shocked, as I have probably shared the thoughts with one of you, or vice versa! Here is what I read, rather reread, this morning, but actually understood or grasped as if for the first time.  (I love how God does that by the way; showing you something a...

Last Wednesday, during the Bible study at church, we continued the discussion on How to Spend Time with God .  I know, there are some of you that are rolling your eyes and getting ready to click away from reading this and for that all I can say is, "do as you wish."  There are a few points that really stuck out to me as I went back over the outline tonight; they are: God wants to spend time with us. You cannot be a healthy Christian without it. The purpose of a daily quiet time is to express your love to God and to receive guidance from Him. Set a time and place and stick to it. There are going to be distractions; be prepared. It takes 3 weeks for you to become familiar with something new and an additional 3 weeks for it to become part of your lifestyle. You may be wondering, that is if you are still with me at this point, why on earth is she bringing this up now.  Well, last week really convicted me.  I mean, the Lord gives me 24 hours in a day,...