I Read Too Much

Well, lovelies, its here.  The end of my hopes and dreams.  It all came crashing down on me this morning.  I found out some of the very ugly truths that, had I really looked, were there all along. Sadly, I believed that I could love them out of existence.  But that is the thing with sin, only one person is strong enough to love it all away and that is Jesus Christ.  We in our humanness can love the sinner, pray for them, cry for them, care for them, and long for them, but their choices will ultimately take precedence.  And that is what happened today.  I discovered proof of my worst fears.  The thing that I didn't want to have happen, did.  I knew it would. The changes I saw in him this past week were too grand for it not to have.  I saw it.  I knew the inevitable would occur, oh, I naively hoped it wouldn't.  I believed that the core of the person was stronger than the sin, but I was wrong - dead wrong. That's what sin ...

Have you ever struggled with doing the right thing?  Sure you have, you are human, right?  I sit here tonight tapping away at my keyboard pondering the results of doing, saying, and honoring the right things.  In fact, the right thing for me, and truth be told, my family too, may not always be the best thing for another, especially if that destroys a longtime relationship.  Perhaps that is going a bit too far, too fast.  So here, let me break it down.  Life is full of situations.  In fact, each and everyday starts with one.  You have the option to wake up or sleep in, put a smile on or a frown, be kind or be a jerk.  I know, you are probably thinking something like, "wait, these are choices, not situations."  I, in return, would capitulate and agree, BUT have you ever thought about the result of that choice?  That result is the situation.  So, I go back to my original question, have you ever struggled with...

I don't know the first thing about golf and truth be told I really don't want to.  However, today I feel like calling a mulligan.  Not because I want to redo any portion of this day, but more so because I want to redo my life, or at least certain portions of it.  I'm finding that on this quest to trust others and to love others that there are huge moments of reflection involved.  Reflection, regrettably, brings about guilt;  guilt brings about sorrow; and sorrow brings about the desire to undo that thing which caused it in the first place.  I have a lot of that - guilt.  I look at my life and wonder how on Earth I got to the place I am in now.  Certainly I should not be here and not because the here is bad, but that the here actually has a lot of good.  I know, sounds strange doesn't it?  That's the thing, I don't deserve any of this.  Yet, despite what I deserve I have so much more; truly so much to be thankful for. ...

Have you ever been disappointed?  I mean truly, unequivocally, disappointed? When this happens is it the result of another person?  Or perhaps it was due to some preconceived notion or plan you had developed that didn't pan out the way you thought it would?  Sure you have.  In fact, I knew the answer to this even before I made the words come together on this page.  You know what I don't know though, is how you get through it.  That is the million dollar question today.  It isn't so much that I am looking to write a book and I am seeking ways to fill it, but that I wonder if there are others who suffer from the wrong way to process the disappointment. You see, when disappointed the first thing I want to do, yes even as a thirty-something I still do this, is throw a temper tantrum.  For some reason, the inner toddler in me wants to come out and be heard.  After all, there is something that is not right in my environment and I do not know how ...