I Read Too Much

I love lazy mornings. Take today for example. The Mr. woke me up before he left for work and I drifted back to sleep. Then my alarm went off at six (don't ask me why I had it set, I have NO clue) and I promptly shut it off, but by that time my body was telling me to get up. Despite fighting myself on this, the dog felt it time to let me know she heard said alarm and she wasn't going to lay back down knowing I was here...for her...to do her bidding. Yes, I got up. I wasted time on my phone, as I am apt to do when I don't want to get around and/or think.  I found some interesting discussions concerning politics and gun control.  I read enough to know we are a deeply and horribly divided country - and I'm going to leave it at that, at least here. I watched a video about turning writing into a paying career and decided at that point I may not have the fortitude for it. I window shopped on Amazon.  I think I found the new decor I want for my dining room. And I flitted arou...

I had an interesting conversation with an old friend today.  You see, I'm still caught on this whole "I am divorced" thing.  I have in a few earlier posts shown great strength and the proof that there is life after divorce, but for the past couple of months I have really struggled.  I mean REALLY struggled. I want to, more than anything, put forth my best face.  I want to prove that I don't need anyone and that I am a strong, independent woman who needs no man.  Truth of it is, I really don't need a man, but I sure do miss being married.  I miss the companionship.  I miss knowing that I am someone that another chose to spend their life side-by-side with. I hate dating.  It stinks.  It isn't so much the being me part that stinks, it is revealing that part of me to another.  It's kind of like shopping.  Who am I kidding it is a lot like shopping.  I have an insane love of running shoes.  (Perhaps almost as crazy ...

I've done a lot of reading in the past week. I'm finally opening books I received for graduation and ones I bought for myself during bouts of clarity.  All I can say is, wow!  Holy geez people I wish I'd have cracked these puppies open straight away.  But, and here is the kicker, I wouldn't have been receptive to what they are saying.  Nope, not one lick.  That often happens when you turn off your listening ears and put on your own way of doing things.  I think what is most tragic is that over the course of several months I had heard what I knew to be truth, yet kept on keeping on.  We do that, don't we.  We tend to want what we think is best, most especially when it makes us happy and makes our heart smile.  I'm having a hard time now with negating the truth and fully accepting it.  But what I do know is this, I made a mistake.  Hear me out. We all know I run.  I use my time while running to clear my head and open my mi...

Have you ever found yourself at that place where the holding on and the letting go are at war with one another? Truth, it's a terrible place to be.  No, seriously, it is.  I've been there a couple of times this past year.  I'd like to tell you that I've mastered this, that I'm the best EVER at taking things as they come and NOT having any thought/emotion/feeling/care about them. But I can't.  I never will, it's part of who I am.  Honestly, I think it is part of who we all are, even if it is just a bit. You see, I'm the kind of person that gives her all.  When  you are my friend I'll BE your friend.  I'll stick up for you, comfort you, provide for you, be there for you in the best way I can, I'll just be.  On the same note, I appreciate this consideration in return.  I also do this in all my relationships.  Right or wrong.  Some of them teach me that I'm far too giving, hell, many of them do, but again this is part of who I am...

There are times when you have a million things to say and yet not the words to do so.  That is me - today.  Rather, it is a manifestation of a long weekend worth of lots on my mind and numerous thoughts climbing over each other for prominence and the right to be uttered aloud.  This happens to me frequently.  In fact I usually find that they come more freely when I have the opportunity to type them out.  Thus, I have something to say.  Someone that I care for, deeply, truly, honestly is hurting.  The hurt was self induced and yet simultaneously thrust upon them.  That type of hurt comes from not owning both sides of a story. There are ALWAYS two sides to every story. In fact,  I looked back over some of my posts from 8+ months ago.  Those posts where the pain and the heartache and the anguish were so unbearable I could do nothing else but understand it through my eyes.  Today, or this whole weekend ac...

We all have a history.  We all have parts of our story that we'd like to remove, undo, or relive with the knowledge we possess today.   However, the truth of it is - it simply can't be redone or even undone.  The past is the past.  I've told you that there will be a day when I share my story, the whole of it.  I will, but not now.  Not yet.  I can't share something that I am still working on.  It isn't that I am still living that piece of it, its that I haven't let it go.  Oh, I've sought forgiveness and received it, both from God and from the one who I hurt.  They both gave it to me.  They both loved me enough to do just that.  However,  sadly, there is still one person who hasn't forgiven me - ME .  I never really paid attention to it.  Never really thought of myself as living with unforgiveness.  I mean, after all, forgiveness is something we do, or don't do, unto others....